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Let's Delve into 2012!

2012-01-02T11:35:00.000-08:00

January 1st, 2012, approximately 9AM
Is there anything quite so divine as sitting down in complete slow solitude for a delicious breakfast?

Hello, 2012, and hello Blog-o-sphere! I have returned to the wonderful pacific inland northwest and to the wonderful world of blogging after a fabulous 19-days on the east coast with my family. It was just the right amount of time away filled with birthday celebrations, Chanukah festivities and overall holiday cheer. Some of the highlights of this trip included a visit to my hometown of Albany, New York, a trip to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, some delicious restaurant meals, the ease of doing all one's Shabbat grocery shopping in one store, quality time with each of my parents, and some long walks with eager pooches! The weather was unseasonably mild aside from an appropriately-timed dusting of snow in New Hampshire on the morning of December 25th. And perhaps just as enjoyable as all the outings and activities was the time spent in my parents' homes snuggling up with a cup of tea, a good book, my journal, or some mindless television. I had the pleasure of getting to prepare a traditional Shabbat meal for my father, his wife, my sister and brother-in-law as well as a Chanukah dinner for my father, his wife and one of her daughters on the first night of Chanukah.
Festive First Night of Chanukah: Fried, Fresh and Fabulous!

Since returning home, I've been reveling in this final week off before my college classes resume. I ate breakfast sitting down at the table yesterday! I didn't even have the television or radio on! Rather, I wrote for a bit in my journal and then slowly sipped my coffee and enjoyed the blissful solitude. I've loved getting back to the gym on a more regular basis as well as getting back to my Yoga practice in preparation for this year's 21 Day Yoga Challenge. I've actually been motivated to tackle (and even enjoy) some long-awaited housework and organization. My kitchen has been accessed for the purpose of cooking again (as opposed to just grabbing whatever is quick and handy in the refrigerator). I've already been able to get some leftovers stocked up in my freezer for when life will no doubt get busy again in the next few months.
As is my tradition, I resolved this new year to make no resolutions. Overall, each moment of each day is about being the best me I can be--ever growing, always learning. It is important to love what you do and do what you love. In that spirit, I'd love to share this super-easy, budget-friendly nutritious and delicious recipe for Lentil Soup. It received rave reviews at my 1st Night of Chanukah meal and I've made it again since returning home. It was quick to prepare the ingredients and easy to leave it simmering while I tended to the potato latkes. It would freeze well and makes a perfectly sustaining and satisfying lunch or dinner when served alongside a salad.

Lentil Soup

Ingredients:

1 tsp oil (I use extra virgin olive oil)
1 onion, diced
2 carrots, sliced
3-4 cloves garlic, minced

4 cups vegetable stock
2 bay leaves (*remove at the end!)

1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
salt & pepper to taste
1 cup dried lentils

Directions:
In a large pot, saute onion and carrots over medium heat in oil for about 3-5 minutes, until onions turn opaque. Add the minced garlic to the pot just toward the end of that process (cooking it too long causes it to become bitter). Add the vegetable stock, bay leaves, thyme, salt, pepper and lentils. Cover and cook over low heat for about 45 minutes or until lentils are soft, stirring occasionally. Remove and discard the bay leaves prior to serving. If you are serving this in a Kosher kitchen with meat or prefer to keep it pareve, this is perfect. If you are eating dairy, it goes quite well with a dollop of light sour cream or plain yogurt. Enjoy! And Happy 2012!

Happy Wellniversary!

2011-12-07T15:23:00.000-08:00

The month of December always encourages somewhat of a personal reflection period being that it is the month I was born in nearly 27 years ago. However, this year brings about a whole new perspective for me as I come up on the first anniversary (or Wellnivesary as I am calling it) of my diagnosis with and treatment for obstructive sleep apnea. A year ago in December, I was spending a lot of time with doctors. I had seen two neurologists here in Spokane and saw a third in Boston, MA while visiting my family to get a "second opinion." It is rather difficult to acquire a second opinion when there isn't actually an official first opinion from which to build! Both specialists could only say what "it" was probably not and possibly similar to. After returning to Spokane and following up with my neurologist here, he ordered one last test to help define what type of movement disorder was causing my incessant tics and twitches; it was the last stop on a train that looked bound toward a lifetime in Pharmaceutical Land. At the end of this past January, I was delivered an unexpected gift at 1:30am during that polysomnogram: a surprised technician at the sleep center came in carrying a C-PAP machine and mask that I was about to wear for the first time.
And the presents keep on coming! Walking out of my home medical care office with this giant plastic sack of C-PAP parts and accessories made me feel like Santa, for lack of a better reference. Then I thought to myself, Santa is a prime candidate for Obstructive Sleep Apnea, what with the terrible air quality in chimneys, his gender, age and physical stature (large neck, carries excess weight in his midsection...)

I'm certain I had no idea what to expect at that point. I know I cried because I thought only "fat, old men" get sleep apnea. I remember my first night of using my C-PAP machine at home and feeling intensely hopeful after what I considered to be a huge and immediate success. And then the feelings of disappointment, desperation and personal failure at not being able to maintain that...
I was overcome with excitement and optimism--and this made the next few nights, which did not go as well, incredibly hard to accept. The novelty of finally knowing what has been affecting my health over the past several years had worn off and been replaced by the realization that I will deal with this for the rest of my life. --taken from this post on February 6, 2011
Many times in the lengthy process toward finding a mask, pressure setting and sleep regimen that would work for me, I wanted nothing more than to be a candidate for corrective surgery, to just give up and revert to being a "twitching idiot" or to somehow just go back in time to when I didn't know I even had sleep apnea. I felt more and more discouraged and at times, isolated in that feeling. I wrote about it a bit on March 19th, here. I wondered if I would ever be able to go to sleep again without "thinking about it" or be able to enjoy that cozy feeling when you wake up naturally in the morning and just want to lay there a bit.

If I had to share my bed space with all of the paperwork, masks, parts, and accessories involved in finally reaching the set-up that now works for me, I'd have no place to sleep!

The truth of that matter is, I'm not entirely there yet. I finally have a mask (Mask #5) that works for me and a pressure setting (I lost count of how many changes that took) that keeps me from having symptoms but isn't too high. I also now have insomnia quite often, as I think the process of getting to where I am now made me rather sensitive to other sleep disturbances. However, I am now off of all of the medications I was on for over a decade. I rarely have the uncontrolled movements that once rendered me unable to hold still at all. On rare occasions, I do wake up with the feeling that I've really enjoyed a restful night and rather than immediately wanting to escape my bed and feeling grateful another night is over, I lay there a bit in the cozy bliss of restfulness. This positivity really came forward yesterday when I checked in again with both my sleep doctor and neurologist. My neurologist here was visibly impressed by the improvement in my strength, balance, and muscle function/control. He said, "It's been a long journey for you, but you really fixed yourself."
At first, I was not sure I agreed entirely with his statement. I recognize how easily this could have been missed if he had not ordered the polysomnogram and if the sleep doctor had gone with his initial intuition to not run the test at all. I realize how easily I could have started a lifelong regimen of more drugs to treat symptoms that I'd likely still deal with if it were not for the correct diagnosis. I realize that essentially, this was and still is in G-d's hands. However, in further reflection, there is truth to my doctor's statement. Many patients continue to struggle with the affects of sleep apnea because it often goes undiagnosed. Many patients who feel chronically fatigued or "just not right" will avoid medical treatment altogether as these symptoms are often mislabeled or overlooked by medical professionals. And many who are diagnosed do not benefit from C-PAP therapy because they discontinue their treatment or their treatment is not completely controlling their sleep disordered breathing.
C-PAP machines are the first line of defense in treatment of sleep apnea. They are a great invention, don't get me wrong--can you imagine if I had to sleep in an iron lung?! A lot of focus is put on the patient responsibility to be "compliant." I strongly dislike that this is the vocabulary used around the issue! Insurance companies will not even cover the purchase of a machine (and cover a rental-only basis of use) until "compliance" over an extended period of time is proven. I recently read an article entitled "Innovative approaches help sleep apnea sufferers benefit from CPAP." The premise of the study done and approach being taken is that patients who have the support and encouragement of a parent or partner/spouse tend to have significantly greater success rates in using CPAP machines. If you are in any way affected by sleep apnea and CPAP therapy, be it that you are the patient or your loved one is, I do encourage you to read this. However, I disagree with the idea that providing emotional support and encouragement for CPAP users is in any way an innovative approach! Unfortunately, within the medical field it is innovative. Many patients are sent home with their machine and left somewhat to their own devices. The author of the article would classify my personal approach to solving my CPAP conundrums as "actively coping." I would classify it is "obsessively stubborn." As much as I would contemplate giving up on the therapy, I never allowed myself to actually see that as an option. I never got to a point where I was willing to go back to the way things were even if things were not as I wanted them yet. Many patients have different coping styles, less obvious symptoms, and do give up on the therapy. Many of those patients' health problems worsen and some actually die from complications of sleep apnea.
If I were to suggest an approach for family, friends, and healthcare providers for people suffering from sleep apnea and to the individuals themselves, it would be that there is no cookie-cutter plan for treating sleep apnea. Every body is different. Some people go home with their shiny new machine and sleep well immediately and for the rest of their lives. Some go home and immediately struggle to adjust, whether it's feelings of claustrophobia, the noise, the lights, an ill-fitting mask, an incorrect pressure setting, you name it. Some have an amazing first night and then nearly a year of struggling. There is no "it takes 4-6 weeks to kick in" type plan here. Well meaning folks will ask how you've slept every morning. Well meaning folks will tell you "you should be back to normal in about 2 months." Well meaning folks will tell you their experience with CPAP was "amazing" or "horrible" or "fill-in-the-blank." And as well meaning but often sleep-deprived patients, we may receive it well, laugh it off or burst into tears--often not when we expect or plan to!
If I had to categorize and classify my experience, I'd put under "Success Stories." Right now, CPAP therapy is my one and only ticket to continued wellness. I tolerate my good ol' machine, sometimes I even almost like the little thing! Do I sometimes still wish that I could have some sort of magical one-time-only cure and not have to use it ever again? Honestly, yes. But the quality of the life I live each day because of how well I am able to sleep at night is the truest testament to how beneficial this therapy is for me. As I near the day I will celebrate my 27th year on this beautiful blue planet, I am immensely grateful to also be celebrating my 1st Wellniversary and to be surrounded near and far by people who showed incredible amounts of love, humor, kindness and patience through it all!

Remembering My Grandpa, Bernard Beller, OBM

2011-11-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

I don't think there is ever really a case of "being ready" to lose a loved one. Your phone rings in the evening, you pick it up and even with the preface of "I have some bad news to tell you," it seems impossible to fully brace yourself for the blow that is about to come. This past Wednesday, my Grandpa passed away in a hospital near the apartment he and my grandmother shared in Florida during the cooler months. They had arrived in Florida just over a week prior. I had spoken to him Thursday morning the week before as he and my Grandma prepared for Shabbat the next day.
August, 2011
I was blessed enough to spend a day with my Grandpa this past summer. He most often went by "Ben" and "Ben's Kosher Deli" was one of his (and my) favorite places to eat near my grandparent's home in New York.

My Grandpa and Grandma celebrated 60 years of marriage this past September. There are many things to admire about him and many gifts he shared with me through the years. His own life story is an incredible one, but I will share that at another time. For now, I feel it's relevant and important to say that my Grandpa and Grandma are two of the most influential people in my decision to become a more observant Jew. His love of Torah, learning and mitzvos were at the core of who he was and who I strive more and more to become.

Living in Washington state while my family is all back east means that in times like these, it's not possible to be with them physically. The distance would feel overwhelmingly isolating were it not for the incredible friends I have here, my Jewish community and the power of technology. I was able to view the funeral via live telecast, and my mother kindly volunteered to read on my behalf the following words I wrote about my Grandpa:

As a very little girl, I am told I was a little slow to warm up to Grandpa—particularly if it involved hugs and kisses. He still smoked a pipe back then. I can remember him telling me to come smell the loose tobacco he carried in a Ziploc bag--that it smelled like chocolate. I knew then we had a very different opinion of what chocolate should smell like. I did not like the crust on my challah at Shabbos dinner and Grandpa told me “eat it, it tastes like cookies!” I knew then we also had a very different opinion of what a cookie should taste like. In those days, he referred to me affectionately as “Peanut.” I knew I had begun to grow up when he starting to refer to me instead as “Darling.” It was also around that time I began to realize that aside from our differing views on what constitutes a proper dessert (and I still won’t touch pistachio flavored ice cream), that Grandpa and I had a lot in common.

Since moving across the country 8 years ago, it’s been difficult to visit my grandparents often. Years have even passed in which I don’t get to see them and that pains me. However, the highlight of many weeks has been Friday morning when I’d call and hear Grandma’s or Grandpa’s voice on the receiving end and could say “It’s Michelle; I just called to wish you a Good Shabbos.” The phone calls are never long and often we'd only talk about the weather—but for a few minutes that erased the 3,000 miles between us. In just a few hours, the sun would set in the east coast and a few hours after that, in the west coast. Somehow, a warm greeting over the phone has brought us together for Shabbos each week.

Sometimes, despite my better intentions, I’ve missed a week. Then there is often a message on my phone come Sunday. My favorite message was one in which Grandpa said “It’s your Grandpa and Grandma. The time in New York is now 6:46. No, the clock just changed and now it says 6:47. Anyhow…we didn’t hear from you…” I think that’s the first time I realized that our little phone calls meant as much to him as they did to me.

Last year, my rabbi here in Spokane, WA made a trip to Florida. While he was there, he met my grandparents for lunch. He made a point to contact me from Florida right afterward and tell me what special people my grandparents are and how lucky I am to have them. He is absolutely right. When he got back to Spokane, he said that again, and added that I am a lot like them and that I look like my Grandma. It was a huge compliment as I so greatly admire the kindness, warmth and generosity of my grandparents and Grandma is a beautiful woman!

For years now, my grandparents have mailed a note to me every month. I’ve saved nearly every single letter. Like our phone conversations, they are short and sweet. Often, there is vital information about current weather conditions. This year in September, Grandpa wanted to know if I’d made any new friends at school. I’m 26 years old, but knowing how important that is to him, I got right on it and joined a club on my college campus. Usually the letter comes after the first of the month. Given that they were traveling and how sick Grandpa had been feeling, I really didn’t expect to get one at the usual time this month. However, the letter came early. It was dated October, 28 and in addition to the usual greeting, Grandpa added at the end: Thank you so much for your phone calls. I hope he knew and that Grandma realizes how much it means to me to hear their voices and to feel for a few minutes of the week like I’m not 3,000 miles away from them.

My hope and prayer in this time is that my Grandma feel and know the love and support she has, that my family will heal and grow from this loss, and that I may live my life in a way that would bring honor and remembrance to the incredible man my Grandpa was.

Just Another Mindful Monday: On the Topic of Prayer

2011-10-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

I love this photograph of Jewish women praying at the Kotel (Western Wall), taken in 1848

Happy Mindful Monday! It has been a while since I've posted on this theme and a while since I've been online--though as of sundown Saturday night, this High Holy Day season has finally drawn to a close. Don't get me wrong--I love holidays and this season in particular is laden with meaning for me, but I am quite at peace with returning to my usual routine at this point.
A dear friend of mine has taken on the huge mitzvah of learning together once a week with me. I refer to it as our Torah Tuesdays. The reason I say this is a huge mitzvah is not just because I appreciate our time together so much (which I do!) but because of the importance placed on educating another Jew by Judaism itself. There is a well known Talmudic proverb, which states:
"Whoever teaches his son teaches not alone his son, but also his son's son, and so on to the end of generations." -- Talmud, Kiddushin 30a
Judaism places so much importance on teaching and educating that the act of learning with and teaching a fellow Jew is also said to fulfill the commandment stated in Dueteronomy 11:19 to "dilligently teach your children..." even for those who do not have children of their own.
But, yet again, I digress--perhaps I shall post at another time on the role of education in Judaism. For now, I want to focus on the topic of prayer.
I borrowed a book from my friend a couple of weeks ago titled "How To Run A Traditional Jewish Household." The author, Blu Greenberg, had the following to say on the role of daily prayer:
"Prayer serves many functions, in fact, every function and its opposite:
It is a safety hatch when one is overcome by fear or dread, anger or need.
It calls forth a generosity of the human spirit. Prayer reminds us not to take totally for granted that which we all must presume as we go about our business--the gifts of life, health, love, and good fortune. If we constantly worried about these essentials, we would be paralyzed in our actions. If we took them for granted all the time, we would be ingrates, and most unprepared for the vagaries or life.
Prayer sometimes enables us to reach into our own souls, to see what it's like in there. The truth is that we can get by very well for long periods of time without this contact with our inner selves, but at some point it catches up.
Prayer is a sensation of community; but it is also a feeling of intense loneliness, and aloneness with G-d." (Chapter 4, page 137)

For me, prayer is has taken on many roles. It has sometimes been like having a conversation with G-d. Sometimes it has been forced, rote, mechanical. Sometimes it has been full of feeling and meaning. I pray at times out of habit, at times out of what some might call superstition, at times out of desperation and hope, at times out of joy and gratitude. Many times, all of these factors play in to one Shabbat or one Krias Shema (prayers before retiring at night).
It would look pretty on paper to say my relationship to/belief in my G-d comes as easily to me as the breath to my lungs or the beating of my heart. It has not and does not. In the past, starting that "conversation" of prayer has been challenged by my not knowing to Whom I was speaking. The name game would get in the way--after all, one cannot address a "G-d" she does not believe exists. In those times, which were driven as much by comfort as they were by anger or pain, my prayers would take me by surprise. I'd find myself calling out G-d when I least expected to. That, in hindsight, is as natural and involuntary as the human heart beat or act of breathing.
Judaism recognizes that prayer will not always come with feeling. It recognizes that oftentimes our thoughts or emotions will serve as a barrier rather than motivator when it comes to talking with G-d. That is one reason why we have so many prayers we say daily, weekly, at holidays, on special milestones, painful occasions, even when eating, seeing something in nature, wearing a new item of clothing, using the bathroom, taking a road-trip, etc. It is well known that there are and will be times when we cannot find the words to begin the conversation; Judaism gives that to us.
However, equally important are those words which do come straight from a place deep within. Whether it is from despair and desire, from a place of loneliness or fear--we are all granted a private audience--"aloneness with G-d"--to pour out our soul-song when the occasion arises.
In the early stages of diagnostic testing over a year ago, well before it was discovered that I have severe sleep apnea, I had to go through 3 rounds of MRIs. This took 3 days and over six hours. I was terrified of the machine, the small space, the inability to move, the dark and the loud noises--not to mention all the anxiety of what they might be looking for in there! The one thing that got me through was to continuously recite in my mind the words to a Jewish song, Adon Olam. This is a piece taken from daily Jewish liturgy. Over the generations, it has been put to about a gazillion different tunes--a great way to take up 6 hours of time! But more than entertainment, it provided comfort and peace--each and every time I reached the last words: "Hashem* li, v'lo ira" -- "G-d is with me, I shall not fear."
So whatever the Name you choose to call, whether it's in your own words, driven by feeling, accompanied by meaning or completely by rote, may you all find comfort, peace, and gratitude in having even a brief moment of conversation in prayer.
*To honor the commandment of not taking His name in vain, many Jews will use "Hashem," meaning literally, The Name, when quoting liturgy outside of actual prayer

A Teeny Tiny Taste of Torah: The Yoga of Sukkot

2011-10-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

The 8-day holiday of Sukkot begins tonight at sundown. During this holiday, Jews around the world can be found eating their meals--and often sleeping as well--inside makeshift huts called sukkahs. Many families build a sukkah right in their own backyard, while others make visits to friends' homes or to their local shul (synagogue) to fulfill this mitzvah (commandment).
These next 8 days, which lead to the holiday of Simchat Torah, are a time of unity and joy for the Jewish people. So perhaps you are asking-- why the additional mention of the Yoga in this post? What does stretching yourself into a pretzel have to do with Sukkot or with Judaism at all for that matter? I would be so bold as to say a lot!
I've been stretching a great deal (pun intended) in both my Yoga practice as well as my Jewish observance. Through the last several years, I've often felt the 2 were mutually exclusive, if not at times completely opposing forces in my life. Judaism, it seemed, was about prayer, community-focus, and action in the world. Yoga, it seemed, was about solitude, self-focus, and escape from the world. Increased learning in both areas has led me to see how the 2 share many similarities and fit together quite nicely in my life.
This idea was made especially clear in my mind when I thought about some of the meaning behind Sukkot. Sukkot is a joyous time. We honor the season of harvest. We celebrate our unity as families, as communities, and as a people. And we do all this inside a wooden hut with at least 2 and a half walls, the ground as a floor and branches as a roof to provide essentially some shade, but not too much that you should not be able to see the stars of the night sky. What meaning is to be found in this ritual? We remember through this our ancestors who kept similar living conditions through their 40-year exodus from Egypt. We try to imagine the level of trust they must have had to maintain in G-d that they should make it to this supposed Promised Land they'd yet to see. It brings to mind the age-old toddler-on-a-road-trip question: "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How 'bout now? Are we there yet???"
And deeper within that, is the very-Yogic concept of impermanence. We remember, honor and celebrate the impermanence of our material world: This harvest season that shall come and go. The temporary nature of the places we lovingly call home--shelter is very little more than some walls, a ground, and a roof. The people we meet along our way. Beyond that, we balance our need to both be insulated from this physical world and to exist within it--to still be able to see the stars of the night sky.
Often there is a sense of wistfulness when we think of things as temporary. We feel sad about the nature of something not lasting forever. Judaism and Yoga both call on us to bend beyond that immediate notion, and see the beauty in that which is temporary; to celebrate, sing, eat, sleep and be joyous in this moment.
Chag Sameach! May you and yours have a joyous Sukkot!

A Teeny Tiny Taste of Torah: Reflections on the High Holidays

2011-10-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

The first 2 major Yom Tovim (holidays) of the Hebrew month of Tishrei have now come and passed. Rosh Hashanah was accompanied by slices of Washington State apples dipped in honey, delicious gluten free challah thanks to some very caring and talented friends, many scrumptious desserts not to mention the 3 days (since Rosh Hashanah was followed directly by Shabbat this year) of savory meals. This was the perfect opportunity for our waistbands to expand had we not all come down with a Post Rosh Hashanah Plague, which left me 4lbs lighter than before the holiday began! Even this unpleasant event, however, was tempered by the outpouring of kindness in my community as those who were able went out of their way to care for those who were lying in fetal positions upon the hard tile of their bathroom floors. Even those who were ill made sure to send messages of kindness and/or humor to their ailing compatriots. Then, before we knew it, candles were being lit to usher in Yom Kippur and Shabbat. I thought for sure that fasting would be easy this year compared to years past since I'd still not really regained my normal appetite and I had unintentionally given up most caffeine after last Sunday. I ended up having quite the migraine by late morning of Yom Kippur day, but was even able (between some kvetching) to find gratitude for the occasional waves of nausea that were taking my mind off of thoughts of food! With the fast ending at 7:02PM here, the last couple of hours really seemed to drag. My davening (prayer) began to feel a bit less focused and more forced.

But, there is an amazing thing that happens to me in that last hour. Suddenly, there is an unspeakable energy in the room. The sight of little kids eating cheese and crackers doesn't seem to bother me anymore. Even said little kids requesting cups of apple juice when I don't have enough spit left in my mouth to lick a finger and turn a page in the Machzor (prayer book for high holy days) doesn't sway my energy. And it's not the pending platters of smoked salmon, bagels, cream cheese, fruits, cakes and salads that have my focus at this point. I am truly feeling the "High" of the High Holy Days.
The sun was setting outside the synagogue window. Our night was drawing to a close. For the last few minutes before nightfall, there is singing and dancing and then silence--before the shofar sounds one last time and we all declare with astonishing energy:

"L'shanah haba'ah birushalyim!" Next Year In Jerusalem!

I have not always felt this high during the High Holidays. Despite being the one time of year the most Jews gather worldwide to go to synagogue, I feel like Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur have somewhat of a bad rep. There is a sense of somberness and palpable discomfort even in the mention of Yom Kippur, which translates to English as "Day of Atonement." We are asked to reflect and take personal inventory of the last year. We are told on Rosh Hashanah the Book of Life is opened and on Yom Kippur it is sealed; our fate for the following year is decided here and now. Who will live, who will die, who will be successful, who will struggle to make ends meet...it draws to mind an image of G-d sitting up there leafing through pages of humankind, placing a check mark here, a question mark there, an "x" there... Sounds unpleasant, no? So what is it that draws so many Jews of so many backgrounds--even self-proclaimed non-believers to gather in synagogue this time of year?
My dear friend purchased a copy of this book while on a trip to New York a few months ago. She shared a few excerpts with me over this holiday season, which I found to be quite meaningful and helpful. The author relates that on Yom Kippur, we are able to connect at the highest possible level with our Creator--a level we are not able to reach at any other time of year, not even on Shabbat. He also compares our relationship with G-d not to that of a master/slave or parent/child--but to a marriage, a partnership. It is as though we are standing under the chuppah (bridal canopy) on this day and joining with our Creator.

For me, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is not a time of impending doom and gloom. It is not meant for me to harshly review and ruminate on each and every potential ill action of my past. It is a time for me to connect with my Creator and to connect with myself; for if G-d can forgive all people's transgressions for all time--both willful and unintentional--how much more important is it that I also find that level of compassion within to forgive others and to forgive myself. How much more meaningful would it be to join in this partnership or "marriage" with the sense of joy that such a simcha (celebration) would typically evoke!

And I do believe that deep within every Jew, that is what really brings us to sit--and more often, stand through hours upon hours of services on the High Holidays. We may call it by another name: "guilt," "obligation to family/children," "tradition/habit..." We may even get a little kvetchy around 5:00PM on Yom Kippur. But I cannot deny the incredible surge of emotion that hits me when I hear the first shofar blast of Rosh Hashanah. In that moment, I feel connected to G-d. I don't feel that 100% of the time throughout the year or throughout each day for that matter. That is the nature of a physical partnership, too. Our emotions ebb and flow in any relationship. We come close to another person, we drift away, we return; it is deep-seeded connection, however, that keeps us striving daily in our relationships to be better friends, better siblings, better children, and our best Selves.

May you all have a meaningful season and be inscribed for good & peace!

Staying Organized & A Few of My Favorite Things...

2011-09-25T13:39:00.000-07:00

A few of my Favorite Fall decorations...

Huzzah! I am officially back into the full swing of life as a college student! After taking a year off to embark on the process of finding out what was causing my health problems and adjusting to the addition of C-PAP machine therapy to treat my sleep apnea, I am embracing the feeling of exhaustion that naturally occurs after a long day of teaching, learning and getting ready for the upcoming High Holy Days. It feels wonderful to be tired because I've been so busy as opposed to the all-encompassing fatigue that used to linger over every moment of every day, seemingly no matter what I did. My days are filled to the brim right now, and I'm loving it! Having such a full schedule means I must organize my days carefully, though the incredible thing about having less empty time is that I seem to get a lot more done!
One of my favorite discount store finds was this plant rack, which creates a wonderful storage space in my kitchen for cookbooks, my recipe box, plastic & reusable shopping bags and--of course, my dinosaur lunch box.

This time of year can be a balancing act for many of us. For some, kids are back at school and extra-curriculars are up and running. Others are students like myself and nose-deep in textbooks, essays and exams. Many of my friends and family are also preparing for Rosh Hashanah (which begins at sundown this Wednesday) and the holiday-packed Jewish month of Tishrei. I recently read a wonderful post on JewishMom.com by a guest blogger, Rivkah Slatkin of Jewish Life Orga nized. Mrs. Slatkin comprised a list of 10 Organizing Secrets for a 3-Day Yom Tov that covers every aspect of holiday preparation from cooking and cleaning to decorating your home, hosting guests and religious observance. Her ideas are concise, complete, and comprised in a way that is not overwhelming (which is hard to accomplish!). Since I am single and not hosting any holiday events this year, my To-Do list is quite a bit less involved, but many of her suggestions could still be useful this time of year and beyond.

Efficiency in cooking and food prep (not to mention disaster-avoidance) is dependent on utilizing minimal counter space well! I love having a spice rack for my most-frequently-used dried herbs and spices. Having some of my cooking utensils and good knives out and handy is helpful, too. I especially love that wooden box, which I found at a thrift store last year for storing things like olive oil, salt & pepper shakers, vinegars and my oil mister where I can quickly get them (and put them away) while I'm using the stove.

I specifically found her suggestion of using a slow cooker to prep and freeze meals very appealing. There is nothing more satisfying than coming home after a long day to a hot meal—and when you live alone, your slow cooker is likely the only means by which this will occur! Lately, my freezer has become a dear friend! Making large batches of soups, casseroles, even baked goods and freezing leftovers has allowed me to thaw out meal options for those days that are just too jam-packed to start from scratch.

Speaking of reusable containers, I love these working glasses with lids for storing dry goods like sugar!

My first few days of school made me keenly aware of how important it will be to have to-go options ready for packing along during the week. Reusable containers and baggies of ready-to-munch veggies, fruits, nuts, granola, etc., will all help me stay nourished and energized from the preschool classroom in the morning to the college lecture hall at night.

A couple of my favorite refrigerator lists, and yes, that's a photo of Tiny Me, shoving something chocolate into my mouth!

Another habit I’d really like to further develop is the ever-useful List. To-do lists, shopping lists, wish lists, agenda lists—I love lists. My sister turned me on to this meal-planning & shopping list template via the Real Simple website.

Even with best laid plans (and Lists), it's always important to recognize that sometimes, for various reasons, everything will not get done when or how we would want it. In those times, we are called upon to develop our ability to be flexible and compassionate with ourselves. I love to end my days with a bubble bath, a favorite magazine, and maybe even breakfast for dinner. In fact, after I accomplish some of today's to-dos I think I shall make myself some gluten-f ree Doughnut French Toast for dinner and curl up with a mug of apple cider.

Creative Kitchen Concoctions: Lemon Blueberry Cornmeal Cakes

2011-09-19T16:32:00.000-07:00

I will come right out and say that prior to giving up wheat and gluten in my diet, most of the common culprits were not my favorite foods to eat anyway. I was never much of a bread lover--it usually served as something to hold the "real" stuff together in a sandwich. I'm not saying it was easy to cut out pastas, crackers, pastries, cookies, most cereals and many sauces, dressings, marinades, even supplements for that matter. Sometimes I think it would be so nice to just buy a loaf of regular bread again (and not spend upwards of $5 for a loaf of something that attempts to resemble it). Sometimes it would be so wonderful to be able to indulge in a muffin or scone at my favorite cafes again (at least they aren't sitting on my waistline anymore, right?). One of the times I most miss my former gluten-full diet (and really only the nostalgia of it or perceived convenience since I definitely don't miss the health issues) is at breakfast time.
Sunday mornings roll around with a lazy longing to linger over coffee, and I would love to have a nice big breakfast to go with that. Sure, there's an awful lot one can do with eggs, but sometimes you want something a little different. Here again, I was never the one to order a stack of pancakes on a Sunday brunch out. I never cared for their rubbery texture and they seemed most suited to soaking up puddles of syrup. I decided this past Sunday morning that it felt like a pancake day, even a day to cheat a bit and use a baking mix. It would require some concocting and definite creativity--and that's how I ended up with Lemon Blueberry Cornmeal Cakes!
If there is one thing that going gluten free has taught me, it's how to have a sense of adventure in the kitchen. That being said, too much adventurousness can be expensive and even wasteful when it comes to cooking and baking with gluten free substitutes.
I recently purchased a copy of The Cake Mix Doctor Bakes Gluten-Free (click the link to view it on Amazon.com). I like the security of starting with a mix, but--to be quite honest--without some doctoring, many gluten free cake and cookie mixes leave quite a bit to be desired! I've loved baking various types of muffins again (and even administering some further "doctoring" to the recipes in this book). I baked some corn muffins a few weeks back and I decided cornmeal felt like the perfect addition to pancakes. I started off with Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free Pancake Mix, added in some yellow cornmeal, some ground flax (gotta have your protein!), lemon extract & some frozen blueberries. The result was delicious and perfect for toasting/reheating in the busier weekday mornings for a great kick-start to any day.
My Semi-Recipe for Lemon Blueberry Cornmeal Cakes Ingredients:
1 cup Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free Pancake Mix (you can substitute another gluten free or gluten-full pancake mix and adjust accordingly)
1/2 cup yellow cornmeal
2 TBSP ground flax
1 egg
3/4 cup milk (I used nonfat, you can use any cow's milk or milk substitute)
1 TBSP vegetable oil
agave nectar to sweeten (to taste, I didn't add too much)
1 teaspoon lemon extract
about 1/2 cup frozen blueberries

Combine dry ingredients and wet ingredients, and mix. Meanwhile, heat a skillet over medium heat. Spray with a little olive oil or nonstick spray if not using a non-stick surface. Ladle in desired amount of batter (to reach the size pancake you want). Flip when edges start to cook through, and continue to cook until golden on each side.

I'd love to say that I sat down and slowly enjoyed the fruits of my labor, but no, I ate the first one,
standing, as soon as it was ready AND dipped it in copious puddles of maple syrup!

What's Cookin' Good Lookin'? Quick Pasta Fagioli Soup

2011-09-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

Soup’s on again in this edition of “What’s Cookin’” blog posts with my all-time favorite “Pasta” Fagioli Recipe. I am loosely calling it Pasta Fagioli at this point, since now that I eat a gluten-free diet, I must make substitutions, which I will address later on in this post.

My mom made this soup when I was growing up, and it was a frequently requested favorite in our home. It is a hearty and filling soup, which could easily stand alone at the dinner table served alongside a green salad and a slice of warm, crusty bread. It can also be served in smaller portions to start off a larger meal. It is very quick, very easy, and budget friendly—yet your dinner guests will never guess this! It is a definite crowd pleaser for company and a nearly fail-proof recipe to impress a special guest or dinner date. When I moved away from home in 2003, this was one of the first recipes I requested to have from my mom. I have been cooking on my own for eight years now, and maintained a gluten free kitchen for nearly the last two. Mom’s recipe has seen some additions and alterations in my kitchen, but before I go into that, here’s the original version:

Quick Pasta Fagioli

Ingredients:

· 2 TBSP olive oil

· 2 cloves garlic, minced

· 1 yellow onion, peeled & chopped

· 1 carrot, peeled & chopped*

· 1 celery stalk with leaves, chopped*

· 1 TBSP dried rosemary

· 2 TBSP tomato paste***

· 1 can (10 ½ oz) condensed chicken broth**

· 1 soup can ^ full of water

· 2 cans (15-20 oz each) beans (i.e. kidney, cannellini, great northern, etc.) UNDRAINED

· 4 oz small pasta**

Additions: freshly grated parmesan cheese

Directions:

1. Heat oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add onion, carrot, celery and garlic; sauté for about 3-5 minutes.

2. Stir in rosemary and tomato paste. Add the chicken broth and water, and the beans with their liquid. Simmer uncovered for 3 minutes.

3. Stir in pasta. Cover the pot and simmer, stirring occasionally for 8 to 10 minutes to cook pasta al dente.

4. Remove from heat and let stand, covered, for 10 minutes before serving.

*To save on money and food waste, if you are not planning to use a full 2lb bag of carrots or celery in your menu this week, most grocery stores sell carrots and celery stalks in bulk so you can purchase just what you need for this recipe.

**Since I like to top my soup with freshly grated parmesan cheese and (for the purpose of keeping kosher) do not mix meat and dairy, I substitute vegetable stock for the chicken broth and water. I either add about 3 cups of vegetable stock from a carton or use vegetable stock starter/bouillon and water.

***Even though tomato paste comes in very small cans, you will still end up with quite a bit leftover. I often add a bit more to the recipe, but the leftovers are great for enhancing homemade tomato sauces, other soups, stews, chili recipes, etc.

This soup reheats quite nicely, but thickens quite a bit. You may need to add a little water or additional broth when reheating.

My Additions/Alterations:

I successfully gave up all wheat/gluten and feel significantly better for it, but I simply can’t give up this recipe! And I don’t have to—it works wonderfully well using rice instead of pasta. You could also substitute a small gluten-free rice or corn pasta product, but since these run on the pricey side, I am more prone to adding rice. Note that with the addition of uncooked rice, you will have to simmer the soup for a longer time. You could remedy that by using instant rice or adding rice you have already cooked toward the very end of cooking.

This is a soup that can satisfy in all seasons. During the summer, try adding zucchini or yellow squash or even fresh tomatoes from your garden or local Farmers’ Market. Thaw out a package of frozen spinach for some added color and nutritional benefit. Have fun, be creative and enjoy!

This batch contains rice instead of pasta, and the addition of spinach. I used 1 can of cannellini beans and a can of butter beans I’d accidentally bought a while back. Aside from being HUGE, the butter beans worked perfectly in terms of flavor and texture.

What's Cookin' Good Lookin'? Pumpkin Soup!

2011-09-15T13:56:00.000-07:00

I cannot in good faith mention my love of concocting soups this time of year without sharing this favorite Pumpkin Soup recipe, which I adapted from a friend who adapted it from a recipe she found online. I love pumpkin all year round, but this time of year, this versatile sweet or savory ingredient just seems to call out to me.

Since I failed to take a photo of my soup, I'll post this one of some knit & felted pumpkins I'd love to craft this year!

I made a batch of this soup a couple of weeks ago and still have 2 jars left over in my freezer!
Ingredients:
1 onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced (I use 3 or 4, but I love garlic!)
4-6 cups vegetable stock
1 1/2 tsp salt (I use less & prefer sea salt or coarse Kosher salt)
2 small cans or one large can pumpkin puree (this would also be delicious with fresh-cooked and pureed pumpkin or some type of orange squash for that matter)
1 tsp fresh chopped parsley (or 1/2 tsp dried)
1/2 tsp dried thyme
Freshly ground black pepper to taste
*I also add nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, or pumpkin pie spice mix to taste. I was out of parsley so I substituted oregano--you can spice & flavor it however you like!*
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream (I used fat free half & half)

The original recipe has you heat the veg. stock, salt, pumpkin, onion, thyme, parsley, spices and garlic all together & bring to a boil. I actually sauteed the onion & garlic in a bit of butter for a few minutes first and then added everything but the cream & brought it to a boil.
Reduce heat to low & simmer for 30 minutes, uncovered.
Puree the soup in small batches. I have a hand-held immersion blender, but you can use a blender or food processor for this or omit the step all together.
Return to pan & bring to a boil again. Reduce heat & simmer again for another 30 minutes. Stir in heavy cream/half & half.

Enjoy!

Fall: An Act in Balancing the Bustle of Busying Routines

2011-09-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

Confession: I sometimes tune in to "The Cat In The Hat Knows A Lot About That" while drinking my morning coffee--it's one way to wake up my Sense of Silly before heading to the preschool classroom

Today is the first cooler day after a series of unseasonably warm days. There is a blustery crispness in the still mid-60 degree air that whispers of change to come. This time of year everything outdoors seems to slow down and turn inward as the days grow short and the temperatures cool. Contradictory to that, however, is the fact that for so many of us this is a very busy season! School is starting, the Jewish High Holy Days are quickly approaching, and there is much to be done around the house in preparation. It becomes a bit of a balancing act to accommodate the hustle and bustle of daily life and still be attentive to our natural tendency to also want to slow down, turn inward and seek warmth.
My preschool students started school last Wednesday and I will start afternoon/evening classes myself next Wednesday. I am adjusting to a now busier schedule, and am embracing this opportunity to set new routines for myself. I happen to love the structure and security of set routines. I know what to expect, when--and in that I find I get a lot more accomplished. This same concept works wonders in my classroom as well. Students--especially new ones or more sensitive ones, thrive in an environment in which they know what to expect and when. That said, flexibility and a sense of humor are also imperative--for those times when best laid plans fail to pan out as we'd expect. In the preschool classroom, that sometimes means putting on a knit apple hat and dancing around as "Morah Apple" picking apples off of the students' "trees" (raised arms as branches). That is the very nature of Autumn, which I love. One day could be 63 degrees and blustery and the very next day could go up to 97 degrees (after you have packed away your summer wardrobe, of course).
A weekly e-mail newsletter I receive from Yoga Journal stated my feelings most eloquently:

"The changing of the seasons offer a wonderful time to pause and reflect on the beauty of nature, the nature of time, and the times that are changing."

Yet, even within my tendency to rush around and maximize the number of tasks I can accomplish at one moment, I still need to have that time to pause and reflect. Maybe that means squeezing in a Yoga practice or water aerobics class or Zumba at the gym even when I could be doing something else. Perhaps it means going to my weekly knit night--even if I am on my laptop doing work part of the time. Often it means concocting something delicious, nourishing and comforting in my kitchen. This time of year, that is very often a soup or a batch of gluten free muffins.
What do you do during this season of change to balance the bustle of busying routines?

Yoga & Other 4-Letter Words

2011-09-06T21:35:00.000-07:00

I must confess that in spite of my self-declared affinity toward Yoga, I often feel similarly about my actual asana practice as one might feel around a trip to the dentist: you know it’s good for you, you’re really glad you went, but it’s rather uncomfortable while you’re there.

The feelings of discomfort and discontent I have are very much a result of my internal running commentary. It goes something like this:

Gosh, I’m stiff and sore. I’m not flexible at all. My posture is horrendous. My alignment is off. Am I doing this right? I did this pose much better last week. That person is so much stronger, better, more fit! They even look like they just LOVE doing 27 Sun Salutations; why don’t I love this? Aren’t I supposed to be enjoying this?! I’m supposed to feel peaceful and relaxed and energetic. I feel lethargic and heavy; this room is too hot/cold/stuffy/dark/bright. Hey, I wonder what color socks I’ll wear tomorrow…

…and from there everything derails. Before I know it, seemingly after way too long, I am in Savasana, judging my inability to be still, judging my lack of presence during the last 60 minutes, judging my lack of enjoyment, feeling hurt by my judgments and then, naturally, judging that. Still, even after the most difficult practice, I walk away feeling that I’ve done the right thing in going and struggling through, that there are benefits I will experience later on or next time—and that keeps me coming back for more.

Tonight I returned to a class setting for the first time in a couple of months. I knew going into it that I am tired today after not sleeping well for the last couple of nights. I thought I might be more achy and sore than usual due to this, perhaps even off-balance. I thought I might have a harder time regulating my breath and body temperature than usual given that I’ve been so tired. But as class began, and my instructor shared her opening thoughts about every practice being different, about letting go of the judgments, competition, comparisons, etc., I decided to come up with one word that would bring me back to the moment, to the room, to my mat, to my practice.

I, of course, chose a 4-letter word. There are a lot of them that pop up daily—both on and off the mat. Some are not so helpful:

Goal: Yup, that’s a 4-letter word. I use it a lot, and often as soon as it’s out there, my resistance shows up. I’ve tried more and more to replace it with the word intention.

Done: as in, I’m done learning, growing, struggling, changing, etc. More and more, I’ve tried to see things less as linearly progressive with a focused end-result, and rather just see the process and movement in and of itself as an accomplishment. Life is like riding a bicycle; you only fall if you stop pedaling.

Fail: What exactly does this even mean? How can we measure failure anyway? So things didn’t occur within an expected time frame or within an expected manner; it ain’t over till the cows come home, and I just built me a big ol’ electric fence. No cows coming home here! Mooooo---bzt!*

*No bovines were harmed in the making of this blog post*

It is in that spirit that I brought a new 4-letter word to the mat tonight and I will continue to turn to it in moments of need: the word is

This: as in, this moment, this class, this pose. This sensation—be it pleasant or unpleasant (and let me tell you, any side poses involving a stretch to my hip flexors—still VERY unpleasant. This breath, this room, this mat—because all that matters right now, in this moment, is this moment.

And I absolutely loved my Yoga class tonight—both during and afterward. I experienced moments that were uncomfortable for whatever reason, but as soon as my internal running commentary began, so did the calm, compassionate voice within that reminded me of this. I noticed my breath grow deeper and more even. I noticed my ability to balance a bit better with each Warrior III or Airplane Pose. I noticed my tendency to sink deeper into each Downward Facing Dog. And when it came time to release and relax into Savasana, this was not just peaceful, still and rejuvenating; it was bliss.

Suddenly September!

2011-09-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

September has shown up seemingly out of nowhere this year! Just under 2 weeks ago, I was across the country visiting family on the east coast, still very much dilly dallying in the dog days of summer.

Visual evidence of a few of the dogs involved in said dilly dallying

This trip included gatherings between 3 generations, family celebrations, and visits to some of my favorite Boston locations.

City view from the patio of the Institute of Contemporary Art

Original portrait of George Washington, as seen in the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston

original inspiration for the Smurf hat, also seen at the MFA

Two weeks flew by and I flew home (before Hurricane Irene hit, thank you very much!) and before I knew it, it was time to turn the calendar page and welcome September! I have a deep-rooted tendency to feel wistful at the close of summer, but in adulthood, that feeling lasts for only a moment because I love this time of year. It is one of the few times during which I welcome and even expect change. I look forward to the start of school--both teaching and being a student again myself. I look outward and take notice of the shorter days, the crisper evenings, the bolder glow of the moon--all signaling the coming of Autumn. As the Hebrew month of Elul begins (Elul began on Tuesday, August 30 this year), the final month in the Jewish calendar, I also look inward as Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year), Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) and Succot all approach. The month of Elul invites every Jew to take a personal inventory of the last year and the one to come. We are encouraged during this season to take time for personal reflection. The incredible phenomenon of this season is that even though there is a tendency for life outside to speed up--school beginning, holiday preparations, seasonal home and yard-work--there is an equal and opposite tendency for life within to slow down. I feel an almost gravitational pull to move a bit more slowly, a bit more intentionally--to savor the flavors of this season and nurture my own need for cleansing rejuvenation.
Lately I've also felt a strong pull back toward my Yoga mat. I pulled away somewhat from my practice during the summer months and found myself putting more focus into cycling, swimming and cardio exercise at the gym. I enjoy these activities and plan to continue incorporating them into my routine. I also miss the burst of energy of starting my morning with a short practice, or finishing out an evening class in the bliss of savasana. I am also inspired by this month's edition of Yoga Journal Magazine, which contained an article introducing readers to a 7 day gentle fall detox and cleanse. I am wary of any detox programs that last for longer than a week as well as any program that involves drastic changes to your diet and daily routine. For one thing, I don't think it is healthy or safe to do such things without the support of a professional. Additionally, drastic and long-term changes like that are rarely sustainable. From what I have read so far, this plan seems adjustable to meet my own personal needs and preferences and very workable within the time frame. You can click here to read about it and decide whether you'd like to participate on your own. The official start date is September 12, and it is free to access e-newsletters containing recipes, asana practices, meditations, etc.
However you choose to honor to changing of seasons this year, may we all find time within the hustle and bustle of busying schedules to stop, inhale the sweetness of change in the air, and embrace our own natural rhythms--whether they pull us to draw in and reflect, or to stretch outward and grow.

Don't Just Do Something, Sit Here!

2011-07-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted here. For once, I think that's OK. I even think it is a good thing! It has been just over 6 months since I was diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnea, and nearly 6 months since I started CPAP machine therapy to treat the symptoms. In many ways, the process of recovery has been as much of a roller coaster of trials, triumphs, snafus and frustrations as the process of discovering what was wrong.
In the last 6 months, I've tried 5 different mask attachments, 6 pressure changes on the machine, 2 chin straps in attempts to make 3 of those masks attachments work, 4 medications/supplements to try and help me sleep through the struggle and when all has been said and done, it is one, seemingly simple change that has started to make a difference: Changing NOTHING at all.
I'm disappointed this one didn't work out--it matched my plush octopus so well!

I've learned yet one more invaluable lesson through my journey toward wellness, which is that there is a time to fight, a time to flee, and more often than I'd recognized, a time to let go, surrender, and be. Physiologically speaking, patients who suffer from OSA go into "fight mode" every night. Our bodies are constantly pumping adrenaline all night long in response to the perceived threat of not getting enough oxygen when our airways collapse. Emotionally speaking, I was in "fight mode" much of the day, too. I fought the exhaustion and mental fatigue, the neurological symptoms that developed in the last few years, the chronic pain and stiffness, and the constant feeling that this was all just a sign of me being lazy or not trying hard enough.

A few common side effects of CPAP machine therapy: hokey grins, walking around with an elephant trunk like aperture hanging from your face, and an obscene love of gardening...

* * *

Meet Mask #5, the ResMed "Mirage Quattro"--because no one should sleep in a product that does NOT have a name which sounds like a character from an Indiana Jones film...

Finding out six months ago that I was not just lazy was, of course, reassuring, but much of that mindset continued to prevail in the background. I saw the last 13 years in the form of a To-Do List with not nearly enough items crossed off and completed. Yes, I know life is not a "race" to some perceived "finish line," but I could not help but feel that my yet-to-be-completed college education, or career stability, physical wellbeing, or fill-in-the-blank with anything ranging from major life milestones to a sink full of dishes--were somehow signs of personal failure. And it was with these thoughts that I took on my treatment much in the same way I've taken on all massive or minor life tasks up until now--ready to wage war.
What exactly was I planning to wage war against though? What I really needed was to relax, rest, and recover--and going to bed each night with sword in one hand and shield in the other is not the most effective way to get a restful night's sleep. Furthermore, when restfulness did not occur, I saw that as another failure on my part, an incomplete mission. Somehow, the mask that didn't fit right must not fit right because I wasn't trying hard enough. Somehow, my inability to sleep without opening my mouth--a habit brought on my the sleep apnea itself--was a sign of my laziness (because you can be lazy in your sleep, too, you know). And yes, I now see how absurd this sounds. I discussed this realization with my doctor a few weeks ago and the first thing I asked afterward was "So, now what do I do? How do I fix it?"
"Nothing. Don't DO ANYTHING!" was her response. Don't do anything? I'm not sure that phrase is in my personal database. *scan scan scan, scroll down, scroll up*

A small smattering of my CPAP Crap Collection

So, in my usual fashion, I didn't listen. I did one more thing. I ventured forth into the wondrous world of the interweb and Googled anything I could think of related to my experience with sleep apnea, CPAP therapy and parts--expletives included! And that's how I figured out what the main issues were with my setup. By reading excessive amounts of blog posts and public rants (like this one), I discovered that even though I was breathing through my nose now with the nasal masks I'd been using, and I wasn't flat-out breathing through my mouth (which causes all the air to gush down your throat, makes a horrid noise, and immediately wakes you up), I was opening my mouth just a tiny bit. Enough for the pressure to sneak its way out, causing my airways to collapse and my breath to become shallow, causing my periodic limb movements to start up, causing my masks to move around and leak, and then--only then--causing me to wake up wondering why the hell I was up after only 17 minutes of sleep! So I made a few more changes. I brought home Mask #5--another full face option in a style that better fits my petite head, and can now lower my pressure back down to where I'd started (since I'm not inadvertently lowering it in my sleep anymore by having air leak out).
And the very last thing I've done you ask? Nothing. Nothing at all. I've let go, laid back, masked up and drifted off into the most natural slumber possible. It's only been 4 nights since starting with Mask #5. Two of them were restful, two were less restful but not due to any CPAP-related complications. I've had enough energy on some days and parts of some days to cycle 8 miles after an hour of water aerobics, to get back on my Yoga mat, to write a song for the first time this year, to play a 2 hour set at a local cafe's Open Mic Night, to visit with old friends and meet new ones. Other days and parts of other days I've been drained, exhausted, irritable about that and just laid around in front of the TV. And you know what? That's OK--I don't need to do something just for the sake of proving I can or because I think I should. I can just sit here.
And so I sit here, in a cafe, typing this because I want to--not because I should or because if I didn't it would be a sign of laziness, personal failure and incomplete missions. It is in that spirit that I invite you all to do the very same: nothing at all. Maybe just for 5 minutes. Maybe those 5 minutes are excruciatingly uncomfortable. Maybe your inner dialogue is like mine--laden with guilt-driven criticism and lists of what you should be doing, thinking or feeling instead. And that's OK, too. For now, for just 5 minutes, don't just do something; don't do anything. Sit here, let go, surrender and be. We don't have to fight because we've already won.

And lastly, I'd like to thank my friends and family--near and far--for allowing me the space, comfort and continued support to experience this lesson and the many others I have experienced and will experience upon this journey we all share.

Shabbat: How a Day of DON'Ts Can Nourish What You DO

2011-06-01T17:21:00.000-07:00

When asked about Shabbat and what it means to observe this day of rest, rest is rarely the first thing I mention (if I mention it at all). In fact, usually what comes up in conversation is a lengthy list of "don'ts." When Jewish people observe Shabbat, we don't drive/ride in vehicles of any kind. We don't use phones, computers, televisions or i-pods. We don't turn lights on or off, cook, clean, do laundry or dishes. We don't write, type, tear, cut, craft or create. We don't heat food up in the oven or microwave or even boil water or brew coffee. We don't carry anything in our pockets or hands if we go for a walk. We don't shop or handle money. From sundown on Friday evening to nightfall on Saturday, it is Shabbat Kodesh, the Holy Sabbath. We are commanded to see Shabbat as a delight--even so far as that we should refrain from discussing anything upsetting or sharing bad news. I've just listed enough examples of what we don't do that perhaps by now none of this is looking particularly delightful at all! In fact, far from being restful, all of these laws around keeping the Sabbath are looking like an awful lot of work.

Truthfully, before Shabbat arrives, sometimes it does feel like a lot of work. I did not grow up in a house where Shabbat was observed. My maternal grandparents keep the Sabbath, and as a young child, Shabbat at Grandma's and Grandpa's house felt both mysterious and uncomfortable at the same time. It felt uncomfortable because 25 hours without television or a trip in the car was a LONG time! It felt mysterious because even though I couldn't play computer games, there was something unique and extraordinary about Shabbat. Even as a little girl, something within me stirred when my Grandma draped a scarf over her hair, lit the two Shabbat candles, and with 3 waving motions of her hands, gathered in the Shabbat lights as she covered her eyes and sang the blessing. Then she would give my Grandpa and all of us a hug and a kiss, wishing everyone a "Good Shabbos!" And that was it. It was here. Like magic! Shabbat Kodesh, the Holy Sabbath.
Grandpa would walk to shul (synagogue) to pray and as soon as he arrived home, it was time for dinner. We'd gather at the table and Grandpa would say Kiddush (the blessing over the Shabbat wine). Then my grandparents would perform the ritual washing of their hands, and Grandpa would make the blessings over the challah breads, thus beginning the meal. Gefilte fish, and chicken, kasha varnishkes, kugels and casseroles of all kinds, and desserts galore! It didn't matter if it was a house full of guests or just my a few; the meal was fit for an army (preferably one that had been fasting for the last 3 days). The table was cloaked in a beautiful tablecloth. Grandma always wore a pretty skirt or dress and Grandpa's face was always soft to the touch from just having shaved before sundown. After the meal, Grandma and Grandpa remained at the table to bentsh (grace said after the meal). As they would read Hebrew barely loud enough to be audible, I could see them gently rocking back and forth as they'd start to doze off in their chairs.
On Saturday morning, my grandparents would both walk to shul. I had the opportunity to join them when I was older (and this would be my first and only experience in an Orthodox synagogue until I was an adult). Shabbat day was spent playing card games and board games with Grandma and Grandpa, reading books, and enjoying a Kiddush lunch of cold leftovers from the big meal the night before. Eating cold food probably doesn't sound all that appetizing, but Shabbat seems to offer some secret ingredient that makes everything taste amazing! Grandma and/or Grandpa might doze off on the couch for a bit. My sister and I would play with their amazing collection of toys from when my Mom was a little girl--and something about an old tin dollhouse was way more fun than computer games, anyway! Sometimes the afternoon and early evening seemed to stretch on forever, laden with complaints of being bored and wondering loudly why we couldn't go to the park today. Suddenly, though-- seemingly out of nowhere--my Grandpa would call us all together again for Havdalah, and with yet a nother flame--this time on a braided blue and white candle with several wicks, some more blessings and wine, it was over. Shabbat had somehow evaporated into thin air with that same sense of having witnessed something magical.
The truth is, for me observing Shabbat to this level is still both mysterious and a little uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable because it is not something that I am used to doing. Beyond that, I live in a location where it may be Shabbat inside my home or the home I'm staying in, but outside those walls it's still just Friday night or Saturday. I feel the tug of wanting to attend some event that falls on a Saturday afternoon or the guilt of saying I cannot get together with a friend for the umpteenth time. It feels mysterious, though, because I know that all of these feelings are completely moot. Shabbat will come at sundown on Friday night whether or not I am "ready." And in the end, when the third star appears in the Saturday night sky, again Shabbat evaporates, seemingly into thin air. On the weeks I have observed Shabbat to the full extent, I never think in that moment, "Gosh, I wish I'd checked Facebook today," or "I really missed that sale going on downtown." I always feel renewed, connected, and in some amazing way as though Shabbat hit the "reset" button in my soul. What I can really say about it is that it is not I who keeps the Holy Sabbath; Shabbat Kodesh keeps me.

Happy Birthday, Janet Blustein!

2011-05-03T16:23:00.000-07:00

Janet "Nana" & Harry "Poppa" Blustein -- wedding photo, 1945

If my beloved Nana were still alive, today would be her 90th birthday. She was born on Tuesday, May the 3rd of 1921 and passed away nearly three years ago on September 3rd. I was truly blessed to have Nana physically in this world for the first 23 years of my life and her memory continues to be a blessing as I strive to become the woman today she knew I already was long before I'd ever come to accept or understand that.
Nana was not a fan of most technology. I believe she and my late grandfather, whom I affectionately call Poppa, maxed out on their attempts to keep up with technological advances around 1974. That being said, a memorial site was made in her honor when she passed away. (I can hear it now: "Nu, how they sit around all day in front of that damn computer! Always with the "dot-coms!" Boy how she hated everything ending with a ".com!") Nonetheless, with her notorious Queens accent playing nostalgically like a broken record in the background, I revisited the memorial site today and will lovingly dedicate this blog post to Nana's memory.

I wrote the following after her passing in 2008:
Nana, when I was little, you often told me I knew everything. "That Michelle, she knows everything," you'd say in your thick New York accent. But I now see how much of what I know comes from you, and that is a gift you've left to me, my sister and cousins, my father, and my uncle. You taught me how to enjoy a five-star meal, and then declare "I've had better." You subsequently taught me how to order the cheapest item on the menu, and thus be justified in the previous statement. But in all seriousness, you taught me about love. How to give of myself fearlessly, without expectations. Your love for Poppa was truly the love of a century. Your love for your sons was unconditional. Your love for your grandchildren was unfaltering. You taught me to love myself, and when I ponder over how I will overcome this loss, I remind myself of the your greatest lesson: "That Michelle, she knows everything!"

Time has passed and in its typical way has softened the sharp ache that was left by my Nana's departure. Every so often on a Sunday morning, I will sip my coffee and think to myself "I should call and see how Nana is doing," immediately after which I am reminded that even with all of our technological advancements, my Blackberry does not currently have an app for communication to Heaven. Better yet, though, I don't need an app for that-- I have a direct connection through prayer, and I can talk with Nana any time with no hidden fees or roaming charges!
So today I sit in a local cafe, sipping a mocha I paid $3.00 for (Nana would HATE that) and eating a celebratory treat. It is visibly blustery outside and threatening to rain, but the trees have buds finally and the promise of Spring is around me. I indulge in a quiet moment of reflection as I write. What would Nana think of me today? Sure, she kvelled about my wisdom and talents--doesn't every grandmother do that? But I think I understand even more today what she meant when telling the world that her 3-year-old, 13-year-old, or 23-year-old granddaughter, Michelle, "knows everything," over and over again. She meant that everything I need to survive and thrive in this life is within and around me--all I need to do is reach out with open arms and accept this abundance. If you ever wanted to know a woman with the innate ability to live, love and laugh with open arms and acceptance, it was my Nana. Happy 90th; may your memory be blessing today and always.

The Very Merry Month of May!

2011-05-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

Alas, May has arrived--and with it, Spokane's third warm day (high temperatures reaching 60 degrees). Some much-needed removal of very large weeds and dandelions in one of my front yard plots revealed this very first tulip nearing full bloom. The others are all standing strong against April's showers, snow, sleet, hail and massive winds--but this one is so close to opening that it is taking all my willpower to be indoors and not on all fours in my front yard giving it the ol' stare down until it opens up!

I recently joined a gym a couple blocks away from my house. The act of intentionally moving my body has been a source of pleasure as well as a source of healing as I work to regain my strength, balance and flexibility. I continue to face the joys, triumphs and occasional tribulations of adjusting to C-PAP therapy to treat my obstructive sleep apnea. I try to balance my need to remain positive and focused with the equally important need to remain realistic and honest about how that is going. Like that single tulip about to bloom, I am reminded moment by moment that wherever you are, you're here AND that's alright! Being here, wherever that may be, is enough in this moment and my eye is very much on the prize--a full and abundant life of peace and wellness. One thing I've greatly enjoyed about my gym membership is that I've been able to pack up my mat and take my home Yoga practice to a class setting.
It has been a very long time since I've taken a Yoga class. Yoga has an amazing power to connect my mind and spirit to my body, and when you throw in a bunch of other bodies to that mix, the energy of the mind and spirit seems to increase tenfold. One challenge I faced immediately, which I did not anticipate, was my own sense of competitiveness and insecurity. At home, my focus is always on alignment and this gift of time, breath and movement I am giving to myself. I did not expect to find my thoughts shift as much as they did upon going through my first class. I was not only comparing myself to the other bodies in the room, but rather comparing what I used to be able to do to what those other bodies were doing. At the end of my first session, the instructor played a song and talked about "The Art of Letting Go." I found myself crying in corpse pose, but resisted the urge to leave and breathed through it. I thought more and more about what that means--this art of letting go...

...And I came to realize, letting go is not about being out of control. It is about releasing the burden of needing to be in control all of the time.

I went back to a Yoga class today--a longer, more challenging class. At first, I found my thoughts drifting to that negative space again, but I came back to my breath, and to the amazing entity that is my body in healing. As soon as I let go of the need to be where I am not, I reveled in the beauty of being where I am. Even 3 months ago, I was unable to hold still. My body moved and twitched on its own accord. I often fell down when standing or walking. Today, in this moment, I am still. I am standing and balancing on one foot with my other leg and arms raised in Warrior III pose!
And so, for my Asana of the Month of May, I will be focusing on the three-tiered series of Warrior Poses or Virabhadrasana. These poses involve a wide and open, but firmly rooted stance. I see and feel in this pose just how vital it is to balance being both firmly grounded and open to change--at whatever pace that happens to occur. Wherever you are, you are here and in this moment that is more than good enough!

Searching for Chametz: This Spring Cleaning is Just Ducky!

2011-04-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

Here in Spokane, Spring comes in sunny shifts intermittently mixed with wind, snow, sleet, hail, and other unidentified flying objects. With Spring's arrival also comes a seemingly innate urge to clean house. For Jews in this time, the spring cleaning craze reaches even deeper as we prepare our homes for the coming holiday of Pesach (English: Passover). During Pesach, we are commanded to refrain from eating any chametz (leaven), or any food made from grain and water that has been allowed to rise (including bread, cake, cookies, pasta, rice, crackers, cereals, beer, etc.). During the 8 days of Pesach, Jews (who are not gluten-intolerant) eat matzah and only food items, which are Kosher for Passover, meaning they contain no chametz and were processed in an environment also free of chametz. In addition to not eating any foods which contain chametz, we are commanded to clean our homes thoroughly so that we avoid any potential for contamination. While Pesach's direct focus is on the story of the Jewish people's exodus from Mitzrayim (Egypt), there is also an inner focus on escaping our own figurative states of bondage and slavery. Chametz refers directly to leaven in the foods we eat throughout the rest of the year, but also to that which is haughty and egotistic within ourselves as spiritual beings.
I recently thought about the seasonal patterns and fluidity of my own spirituality and relationship with G-d. I tend to do the most introspection and 'spiritual inventory' in early Autumn prior to and during the High Holy Days of Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement). This seems only natural, but towards this time of year, I notice that through the darkness of wintertime, my feelings of closeness toward my faith and practice have also run cold and distant. I feel a longing to reconnect with G-d much in the same way that I imagine the emerging crocuses must feel pushing through the newly thawed earth. This winter brought forth immense challenges and incredible triumphs. Now that I have reached a path of recovery and continue my journey toward wellness, I finally have the opportunity (and energy!) to restrengthen muscles that lay dormant for quite some time. I also have this opportunity and energy to restrengthen my emuna (Hebrew: complete faith in G-d). This process of cleansing, rebuilding, strengthening and growth portrays a beautiful parallel for me: My ancestors proceeded on their exodus knowing too well the pain and suffering of enslavement. All the same, they feared what lay ahead--the unknown--and often pleaded to return to Egypt. Knowing full well that Egypt represented a life of bondage, it was still less frightening to them than not knowing at all what life outside of that would be like. How often in life today do we exist in our own Mitzrayim--the comfort of discomfort! Moving beyond that and choosing a life of freedom involves great strength and faith--emuna--that whatever lies before us can be no worse than what we choose to leave behind.
As I sort through and organize my home in preparation for Pesach (unpacking at the same time!), I make 3 piles: "keep it," "chuck it" and "pass it on." The process of searching for 'inner chametz' is very similar--and I sort thoughts and habits into those same 3 categories: keep it (what's working well), chuck it (what has not worked well and is not helpful or necessary), or pass it on (what served its purpose but is no longer needed). Often such a large task as physical or personal inventory can feel daunting and overwhelming. That is when I remember a favorite children's book (which I just unpacked and definitely put onto the "keep it" pile!), Little One Step by Simon James.

In this story, a frightened little duck embarking on a long journey home is reminded by his older brothers to take things literally one step at a time. Each time he grows overwhelmed or scared, he practices again, putting one foot down and then another. This is precisely the manner in which the Jewish people fled Mitzrayim. It is precisely the manner in which we all continue today to reach any destination or personal goal. Whether you are preparing your home for Pesach now or just organizing and spring cleaning, I invite you to take a moment and a breath to identify any areas of yourself which are chametzdik. Perhaps there are parts of your life which feel like a personal Mitzrayim. What does it mean to you to truly be free? Now I suggest taking yet another breath (I'm learning just how important breathing is!) as you put one foot down and take one little step.

What's Cookin' Good Lookin'? Recipe Round-up: Soup's On!

2011-03-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

Even though I can see and feel the many signs of Spring as the days grow longer, the breezes are warmer, and crocuses peak through the soil in my future front yard garden plots, I still feel very drawn to soups and stews. Granted, I am one of those folks who drinks hot coffee or tea in the dog days of August, so eating soups year round should come as no surprise. Still, there is something very satisfying about watching, smelling, and tasting a variety of common ingredients come to life in one big pot! So when I posted a desperate plea for dinner inspiration on Thursday evening, I was immediately excited to see a suggestion for Tomato & Spinach soup.
I probably should fess up to taking all recipes with a grain of salt (pun intended). I used to be so reliant on recipes--and the same rotational flow of just a few tried and true ones, for that matter. I knew they worked, I knew I liked them, and I knew I preferred eating recipes that worked and that I liked. Cutting gluten out of my diet made that a thing of the past rather quickly. My usual staples (pasta, bread, pasta, flour, pasta, couscous, pasta, pasta, pasta) were not so easy to come by anymore if I didn't want to spend a fortune on gluten-free alternatives. Additionally, processed foods, packaged foods, and pretty much anything in a bottle, jar, etc., that uses any kind of preservative is often something I cannot eat due to my gluten intolerance. At first, my culinary repertoire shrunk to devastating proportions, but I soon realized the value in the concept of "less-is-more," and rather than feeling stifled by restrictions, I feel enhanced with opportunity for more creative cooking! For the first time, I realized vegetables, meats, rices, and other whole foods actually have a flavor of their own. Cooking became more about enhancing that flavor with spices, non-grain vinegars, and herbs--and less about trying to hide all the ingredients under a pile of sauce.
So, back to the soup before I boil over with gluten-full stories here...
I loved the idea of a tomato-based soup and was already picking up spinach for a strawberry & spinach salad. The original recipe called for barley, which I decided to replace with rice. I also used only canned tomatoes for the soup and no fresh ones as the recipe requested.
Go ahead, gasp in disgust! But have you seen the price on tomatoes this time of year? Plus, they taste like tomato-textured balls of water! Additionally, canned tomato products actually have more nutritional benefit as the antioxidants in the tomatoes become more concentrated. So, here's (more or less) what I did:
I started off sauteing a medium diced onion, a couple stalks of diced celery, a couple diced carrots and about 3 cloves minced garlic in some extra virgin olive oil. My friend's recipe doesn't have you add the spinach until the end and she suggested using frozen spinach since it cooks up so nicely. Since I was using fresh, I decided to throw it in before adding liquids so it would wilt a bit.
I added a large can of petite diced tomatoes, a small can of tomato sauce, an undisclosed amount of ketchup (the original recipe called for ketchup--see, I do follow some directions!), and about a cup of water.
The recipe my friend shared called for squash and yellow squash and zucchini were on sale, so I used quite a bit. I added this to the pot and half a cup of instant brown rice. I added Italian seasoning, additional dried basil, oregano, and parsley, some onion powder, garlic powder, Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper. I measured nothing. Then I added a bay leaf and hoped I'd find it again before accidentally ingesting it.* I brought it all to a gentle boil and then let it simmer for a bit longer on low heat while I washed dishes.

There ya have it: Tomato, Spinach & Rice Soup with a Whole Bunch of Other Veggies and Ingredients...
And, it was Delish! I sprinkled on some shredded Parmesan cheese and a dash more parsley. And the best part has been the leftovers. Soups have an amazing ability to become even better the next day and in the days to follow (if it lasts that long). So, soup's on!

Bon apetit!

*Good news! After much searching, giving up and hoping for the best, I found my bay leaf 3 days later before enjoying some delicious leftovers!

It's Friday! This Moment: Chasing Rainbows

2011-03-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

{this moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.*

Sometimes we get caught in the rain. Sometimes we miss the bus or get on the wrong one altogether. In general, things don't always turn out the way we'd planned or the way we'd want--but I trust in God that I am always in the right place at the right time, and this breathtaking sight outside the grocery store yesterday was glorious proof in my eyes!

*Idea for {this moment} posts adapted from this blog

~Signs of Spring in Spokane~

Sleep Apnea?! Oh, CPAP!

2011-03-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

C-PAP Re-cap:
As many of you already know, after months of doctors visits both locally and back east, and after years of unexplainable and untreated health problems, I was diagnosed in January (quite to the surprise of my doctors and myself) with severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea. Within days, I met with a home medical care specialist and took home my new C-PAP machine and my first mask. I was overcome with excitement at finally knowing what has been going on all these years and optimistic about my future. My first night on C-PAP therapy was nothing short of amazing--I slept nearly through the night and awoke feeling no chest pain, no shortness of breath, and no numbness or tingling in my hands and arms.

Sleepless In Spokane
Subsequent nights did not go quite so well, until after over a month of trying to somehow make it work, I realized this mask was not the one for me. I am fairly petite, and even though this was the smallest size in this particular style of full-face masks (covers both the nose and mouth), I couldn't manage to keep it from moving or leaking and consequently spewing pressurized air into my eyes. While this did give my eyelashes that nice windblown look (I might sell it on e-bay now and target the modeling industry), it was not conducive to a good night's sleep! No problem, there are over a hundred different mask and nasal attachments for C-PAP machines. I have since met with the sleep physician who conducted the sleep study and who will oversee my treatment from hereon out. I've also had several meetings with my home medical care specialist. About 2 weeks ago, I brought home a new attachment, called a nasal pillow (sounds either luxurious or gross and it's a little bit of both, if you ask me). This one is made specifically for women and is therefore quite a bit smaller and less bulky. Rather than covering my nose and mouth, it sits below my nose and blows air into my nostrils. It's cute, right? Mine is a pastel blue and has a charming floral print on the straps. The first challenge with this would be learning to breathe through my nose and not my mouth. This would be a relatively quick lesson. Every time I even opened my mouth with the thing attached, it sent gushing air down the back of my throat. Needless to say, I was awake every 5 to 10 minutes on the first night of using my new nasal pillow. The next night, I was filled with dread at bedtime.

"Ok, Michelle," I said to myself, (Hey, when you get as little sleep and oxygen at night as I do, you, too, will start having conversations with yourself!) "Keep an open mind and a closed mouth!"
I started my bedtime routine extra early that night and rather than approaching this contraption as a medical device, I decided to think of it in Yogic terms as my brand new Pranayama (Yoga breathing) machine. I did a few gentle poses, spent some time in legs-up-the-wall position, and got into bed and masked up. And so I proceeded on several more nights with the nasal pillow, which has the bonus of being very lightweight and very easy to remove. So easy to remove, in fact, that I figured out how to do so in my sleep...Great! Several times each night I'd awaken adorably snuggled up next to my nasal pillow and hose, which was still attached to my C-PAP machine but not attached to me! I was not sure why I was taking off the device and I realized I was spending very few hours of the night actually getting any air or sleep for that matter. Nights of restless sleep continued and I continued to wake up each morning with too much evidence of that. Add to that yet another exciting challenge: making use of a nasal pillow when you have a cold and stuffy nose!

Waiting to Exhale
After recovering enough from my cold that I could breathe through my nose and still struggling to keep the nasal pillow on for more than half an hour at a time, I decided it was time to put in another call to my home medical care specialist. I made the call yesterday in the early afternoon. She proposed that I might be opening my mouth in my sleep and removing the mask because the air gushing down my throat was uncomfortable and waking me up. She suggested adding a chin strap to the mix, which would help keep my mouth closed. Now I would start by putting on the nasal pillow and then affix the chin strap over that to keep me from opening my mouth and add another layer between my overly nimble fingers and the straps of my nasal pillow.

Mask Up!
I got home in the evening and began to set up camp. (This includes daily changing of the distilled water in my machine and cleaning of the nasal pillow, bi-weekly rinsing of the filter sponge in the back, and weekly washing of the now 2 hose attachments followed by a dry run of the machine to get all the excess water out of the hose.) I unwrapped my new chin strap. I started laughing as made size adjustments. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, I started crying. And not just a few moments of moping or pouting, we're talking full-blown crocodile tears, heaving sobs and massively puffy eyes to boot!
My evening wear is starting to look more and more like this!
For some time, I let myself go to the place I've avoided going at all until now. "This is not what I want." I let myself feel the fear and sadness around having sleep apnea for the rest of my life. I let myself feel the overwhelming relief at that being all it is that has been affecting my health for so long and at having a long rest-of-my-life to look forward to! I concurrently allowed myself to experience the anxiety and frustration at there not being a quick fix for this (or a cure at all for that matter, aside from potentially unsuccessful and invasive surgery). I do not think it is healthy to exist in that state of mind for long, but it is also not healthy to completely hold it in either, so for that time, I allowed the intense emotions to flood me, move through me, and move onward.
I now had to clean out my hose and nasal pillow again (you don't want to know what all got in there during my sob session!), and remove mass quantities of my hair from various strips of Velcro (these really were made for bald, middle aged men). As I stoically went through these motions, I also acknowledged internally that if this additional conglomeration of Velcro and neoprene is what I needed to be able to sleep, breathe and heal, it would be totally worth it. If it did not work out, there were still other options. After time, all of this would become second nature and I might even have a hard time recalling the intensity of this particular moment.

It Takes Your Breath Away!
I masked up again, turned on the machine and had 3 consecutive hours of sleep in which I was able to breathe and recuperate. I woke up after that time aware that the overabundance of straps was rubbing uncomfortably against the back of my ears, but my chest didn't hurt. I wasn't short of breath. My hands and arms weren't numb or achy, I was not drenched in a cold sweat, and my heart rate was at its normal resting pace.
Unsure of what to do regarding the painful rubbing of straps against my ears, I ended up having a restless continuation of my night, but I was proactive in calling my home care specialist this morning and learned how to remove one of the extra straps. I made it through my work day, got home, and masked up yet again for a nap! Napping is still hard for me because I personally loathe sleeping during the day after years of doing so uncontrollably, but I managed a short one--breathing and all!

...And the Moral of the Story Is...
C-PAP stands for Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. Two words in that acronym stand out to me more and more: positive and pressure. It is essential (though often challenging) to stay positive in this process. There are so many options for C-PAP therapy and beyond that, there are other treatment options to look into as well. There is not a quick fix and I must remember that I did not become this unwell in one night, one month, or even one year. It will take time and guesswork to become well. The process may not be linear and at times it may feel as if I am moving backward. The second word which pops up often is pressure, and that is what I feel when I realize people are going to ask me how I slept every morning with sincere, genuine hope that I will say "better." I even feel pressure that I inflict upon myself because this is what is standing between my state of health as it is right now and where I would like to be. My energy reserves are still low and fluctuating. That is where I remember the importance of the word continuous in C-PAP therapy and sleep apnea treatment. The fact of the matter is, that even moving backward is still moving. So long as I keep on keeping on, I am never at a point in which I have any reason to give up. Like riding a bicycle, you only fall if you stop pedaling. I must maintain my sense of humor around it--laughter keeps the airways open, you know!
I had a brief conversation with a family member this afternoon in which he expressed his empathy by saying "I'm so sorry you have to go through this all alone!" It was in that moment that I clearly stated and recognized for the first time, "I am not alone. You are there to support me and I have friends here, too. I am also not the only person with sleep apnea." I might indulge in occasional, designated "me" time to wallow in anger, frustration, sadness or fear. I do this with the understanding that when that time is up, I come back into the world I am so happy and grateful to be a part of and take my days and moments one compassionate and intentional breath at a time.

Purim Projects, Part 2: Final Preparations & A Quick Kvetch Before Getting Back to the Festivies!

2011-03-18T16:02:00.001-07:00

We're at the final countdown before Shabbat starts and then Purim begins! I had hoped to get a lot more done in the way of projects, preparing mishloach manot, baking, crafting, and blogging. However, as the saying goes, we make plans and God laughs! I've been under the weather--most likely a result of not getting enough sleep while adjusting to night-life on C-PAP therapy--and reminding myself that this is the month of Adar and I, too, should be laughing. I am, of course, joyful at knowing the probable cause behind years of struggling with unexplainable health problems. I am also realizing that while my energy reserves are still limited, I need to move with my natural rhythms and not try so hard to push against them. I have been collecting my thoughts on this journey toward wellness in writing and will likely be blogging about that in the near future. For now, it is more important to focus on the upcoming festivities, and I will do just that after this brief, yet pointed message:

So, as I mentioned in my last post, I was seeking a way to come up with a decent recipe for gluten-free hamentaschen. I had planned to doctor up a gluten-free pie crust mix for the dough as I have not yet found a pre-mixed gluten free flour that I like for baking cookies. Most of the mixes I've bought all have a rather distinctive flavor from the garbanzo bean flour used as a protein. I have a great recipe from a dear friend to mix my own flour using peanut flour as the protein, but alas, I had no peanut flour, no rice or potato flours either, and no time or energy to start shopping around at that point. While I was at the supermarket, I came across a sale on a gluten free cookie mix put out by King Arthur Flour, which I'd never seen before. I figured I might as well give it a shot.
*This mix is Kosher and pareve, so you could substitute margarine if you'd prefer to not have dairy cookies
It's a basic cookie mix and the box listed 5 recipes on the back for various types of cookies that could be made. They were all drop cookies and I was about to attempt a roll/cut cookie. I added an egg, 1/2 cup butter*, 3 tbsp of vegetable shortening and 1 teaspoon of almond extract to the mix. Now, I never taste raw cookie dough...but, in case I did this was actually really yummy! Usually gluten free cookie doughs taste like, well, gluten free flour. This tasted like cookie dough! It was a bit too soft to work with as a rolled dough as is, so I dusted my cutting board and rolling pin with a bit of powdered sugar, and added a few spoonfuls of gluten-free flour mix, which successfully stiffened the dough without affecting the flavor.
I used apricot and almond preserves for filling. I used an egg wash to seal the corners, as the dough was a bit more prone to not sticking than my old recipe. They baked up quite nicely, and aside from being a bit more crumbly than regular hamentaschen, they are delicious!
Gluten free Hamentaschen seem to be a bit more prone to falling apart, but I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles!

Although a bit later than I'd planned, I did get a couple of my mishloach manot out via mail today. The mitzvah of mishloach manot is to give a gift of (at least) 2 types of prepared food (meaning the foods each receive a different type of blessing before eating them--i.e. a fruit and a grain) to at least one person. My goal was to send out some home-baked goodies, but I did not quite get around to baking more than one batch of gluten-free hamentaschen and decided to stick with prepared goodies instead. Because the recipients have not yet received their goodies, mum's the word on what's in there! But here are some cute and budget-friendly ideas for mishloach manot should you have the urge to put together your own:

Breakfast Basket: include a box of cereal, oatmeal, or pancake/waffle mix, and a couple fruits or a bottle of fruit juice. A fun way to present this is inside a large cereal bowl with a spoon (can be purchased at a discount store or dollar store).
Coffee/Tea lovers Basket: include a bag of coffee beans or box of tea, sugar packets, creamer, and some biscotti or tea biscuits. It can be cute to present this along with a couple of mugs or tea cups & saucers. Again, these items can be purchased at a discount store or even a thrift store.
Local Delicacies: for friends and family who do not live nearby, sending a gift of foods indigenous to your location can be thoughtful. Since I live in Spokane, I might send a gift of huckleberry flavored items or prepared foods made by local producers.
Ethnic Food Theme: For your Italian food loving friends and family, a gift of pasta, jarred sauce and perhaps a bottle of wine could be a wonderful idea. Similar baskets could be made with a Mexican food theme, Jewish food theme, or any other type of ethnic food.
Night at the movies: Why not gift some popcorn and candy to a movie lover? I've seen large, reusable, popcorn buckets sold at my local dollar store and thought this would be such a cute way to deliver this!

Although many people do go all out and spend a great deal of time and money on mishloach manot, you don't need to do that. You can keep it simple, inexpensive, and still thoughtful and fun by making use of discount stores, dollar stores, and even thrift stores. They do not need to be wrapped up in fancy, expensive baskets. You can quite tastefully deliver your goodies on paper plates, boxes, or even make your own gift containers using recycled materials, like the ones shown here.

One other important part of Purim is listening to the Megillah (story of Purim). During the reading of the Megillah, noisemakers called graggers are used by children and adults alike to blot out the sound of the name of the Purim story villain, Haman. Many people purchase graggers from Judaica shops and I even have a wooden one I've had from the time I was a child that, I believe, was a gift from family in Israel. However, graggers can be made at home, too, and this is a great way to get the kids crafting.

Fill an empty coffee tin, plastic bottle, or other recycled container with dried beans or rice
Glue/staple two small paper plates together and attach a wooden craft stick. Punch two holes, one on either side of the craft stick about midway to the top. Tie a short piece of yarn through each hole and attach a large wooden bead to each piece of yarn. Make sure not to make the yarn too long or you will have a rather dangerous situation on your hands! This creates a sort of hand-held drum that works with *gentle* twirling/shaking.
I loved this idea over at challahcrumbs.com : to help prevent boredom-induced, unintended noise during the Megillah reading, fill a small tin or container with candy (or you could opt for raisins and other small dried fruit). Have the kids decorate the container. Shaking it will make a satisfactory amount of noise AND the kiddos will have something to munch on between noise-making opportunities!
Experiment with different types of containers, fillers, and methods of creating sound. This is a great opportunity to experiment, learn, and make a lot of noise!

Finally, as we enjoy delicious meals with family and friends, sharing goodies, parading in costumes and festivity all around, it is important and a mitzvah to remember those less fortunate during this joyful time. We are commanded to give extra tzedakah (charity) on this holiday to ensure that everyone can participate in the celebration of Purim. There are many worthy causes, especially now in the wake of such incredible disaster and destruction over in Japan. If finances do not allow for monetary donation, I think there is great value in donating time and talents even in your own community. May everyone have a joyful weekend and to my Jewish friends & family, a Chag Purim Sameach!

Sesame Street: Making Hamentaschen

2011-03-12T16:29:00.000-08:00

Purim Projects, Part 1: Hamentaschen

2011-03-12T15:36:00.000-08:00

Purim is just a week away and there is much to craft, create, concoct, and celebrate! I would like to dedicate this post entirely to one of my favorite parts of Purim: the hamentaschen! Hamentaschen (shown in the above photo taken from the internet and NOT my kitchen, unfortunately) are a jam/fruit-filled butter cookie traditionally eaten on Purim. They are shaped like a triangle to represent the shape of the hat worn by the infamous Purim story villain, Haman. While they are most often filled with fruit preserves, they can also be filled with poppy seed filling, chocolate/chocolate chips, sweet almond filling, Nutella, halva, caramel, you name it! Even the dough itself can be made in various ways, ranging from a crunchier cookie to a softer, chewier cookie.
Click here for a traditional recipe for hamentaschen. This is my first Purim eating an entirely gluten-free diet and I don't want to miss out! I will be experimenting this afternoon with doctoring up a gluten-free pie crust mix to create a suitable cookie dough.
Kids also love getting in on the fun of making hamentaschen. One way to involve them in the process is to whip up a batch of peanut butter playdough that they can roll out, cut into circles, fill with jam or jelly and pinch into tasty, triangular, P.B. & J Hamentaschen!

Peanut Butter & Jelly Hamentaschen Peanut Butter Playdough Recipe

1 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup honey
2 cups powdered sugar

Once you mix the ingredients, you can store this in an airtight container or plastic zippered bag with the air squeezed out. Kids can use a rolling pin to roll out the dough. Using a 3 or 4-inch circle-shaped cookie cutter (or cup), they can cut out circles. Have them spoon a small dollop of jelly or jam into the center and form into triangles.
For directions on forming those nifty little triangles and an overall hamentaschen instructions, I always turn to my good friends on Sesame Street. I've posted a video on my blog for your viewing pleasure.

Hamentaschen Costume
I still haven't officially settled on a particular costume idea, but I remember a costume my mother made for my sister and me one Purim. She used poster board & cellophane to create hamentaschen costumes! The costumes in these photos are adorable--who knew there was a market for hamentaschen costumes now?! (Who knew that market runs in the $30 range??) Needless to say, I'm off to the local dollar store...

I also have some work to do before I get my mishloach manot ready to be mailed or delivered! I especially loved this idea for presenting a plate of hamentaschen in the shape of a Mogen David (Star of David). I'd love to tell you more specifics, but that would most definitely ruin the surprise for some of my friends & family who read my blog! However, you can follow up on my next Purim Projects post, which will focus on mishloach manot. Until then, it's Adar, be Happy!

OY to the World!

2011-03-05T19:33:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, but I'm BACK!
We are entering the Jewish month of Adar II*. (This is a leap year in the Jewish calendar and there are two months of Adar.) The month of Adar marks a time of joy and happiness in Jewish history. The holiday of Purim falls on the 14th of Adar, corresponding this year to the secular date of March 20th. This is a holiday that truly has it all: a dramatic story, great food & beverages, costumes, big parties, and the gifting of food & treats to friends and family (called mishloach manot).
In more personal news, I am not falling short on joyful celebrations of my own lately. I just moved into a wonderful new apartment where I truly feel safe, comfortable and at Home. This has been a long time coming and I am immensely grateful to many dear friends and family--both local and long-distance, who helped out in so many ways to make this possible. I am enjoying the process of nesting and unpacking in a space that finally feels like my own. I am also excited to be welcoming my first guests (of many more, I hope!) for dinner tomorrow evening. My father and his fiance are visiting for a few days from Massachusetts and I am so thrilled to be preparing a meal in a fabulous new kitchen for such special guests!
I will be posting more in the days to follow about ways to invite happiness into this joyful month and my own plans for Purim. I've got plenty of ideas I look forward to sharing on creating budget-friendly mishloach manot for friends and family, Purim-themed craft projects to enjoy with children (or kids at heart), recipes, and more! I'm still debating costume ideas for myself...any suggestions? But for now, I'm off to do a bit more organizing and to bake my father's favorite chocolate chocolate-chip cake with (of course) chocolate frosting!

True Confessions of the Human Kind

2011-02-21T18:51:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make...
I am human. In fact, I have been human for my entire life.
While I am at it, I may as well also mention that I am not perfect, in fact, sometimes I am not even close to being perfect.
(What is perfect?)
Sometimes I am sick. Sometimes I am tired, exhausted even. My body has an incredible and God-given ability to tell me this. I have an incredible and human-like ability to ignore these messages. Sometimes I am worried or sad or angry. My soul has an amazing and God-given knack for feeling all kinds of emotions, but I have an amazing and human-like knack for only expressing the ones I think are "pretty," "neat," and "tidy."
(Which emotions are pretty, neat or tidy?)
I compare myself to other women. I have a lot of compassion and empathy for these women; I admire them. They are single or they are married. They are tall, short, thin, curvy... Maybe they live alone. Maybe they live with children and families. They are younger. They are older. They are professionals, students, moms, teachers, healers. They have many talents. Their homes are orderly and clean. They look neat and put-together every day and all day--even when they have been up with infants all night, raising children, working 40+ hour workweeks outside the home--and/or 24-hour, seven-day-per-week shifts in the home! They not only function in the many hats they wear and roles they play, they do so with grace and charisma! When one of these every day heroines confides in me that she feels tired, messy, disorganized--imperfect, I don't have any harsh judgments. If anything, I admire her more!
Imagine if it were OK to be messy or disorganized. Imagine if it were OK to be imperfect.

But what would that mean? Would it mean we are broken? Less-than? Not enough? And who gets to decide that?
So, yes, I feel tired. I feel sick and sometimes struggle not-so-gracefully to become well. I am sometimes messy, disorganized and--if you're really lucky, I've let you see you that in me. Because, you know what? I am whole. I am complete. I am human and today, right now, in this moment--that is more than enough.

It's Friday! This Moment: My iPad

2011-02-18T11:13:00.000-08:00

{this moment}

Inspired by SouleMama

How-to Tuesday: Rainy Day/Snow Day Fun with Toddlers

2011-02-15T14:40:00.000-08:00

It's mid-February now, and even though it's been a remarkable month weather-wise here, it's not quite prance-in-the-park season yet. I am getting antsy! Sometimes those sunny (but still cold) days feel like a carrot being dangled in front of my nose--Spring is so near, and yet the ground is still frozen. I can only imagine the children I am privileged to work with are feeling it, too. This is where a bit of creativity and spontaneity come into play (pun intended). I am going to devote some of my How-to Tuesdays and other posts to sharing some quick, budget-friendly, kid-tested activities with you. These activities will be generally portrayed for use in the preschool classroom, but are just as fun to do with your kids at home on a rainy or snowy day when you're stuck indoors, or even during their next play-date or birthday party.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and although I do not observe that as a holiday, I felt like it was as good an opportunity as any to borrow a toddler or two and whip up a fun, quick, budget-friendly project. I put together my yearning for the sunlight and color of Spring with my love of clear contact paper and decided to create some "Stained Glass" Heart Sun-catchers. I started out by cutting small chunks of tissue paper I had at home. I used reds, pinks, white and some scraps from a few years back that had heart themed prints. For the border on this one, which is hanging in my kitchen window, I cut a heart shape out of a 12x12 card-stock page I had never used from a scrap-book I made several years ago. I cut a smaller heart out of the center to create a frame. I made several similar frames with construction paper. I cut portions of clear contact paper and peeled off the protective backing. I set them, sticky side up, on a table and stuck on the tissue scraps. This is a very kid-friendly project. Even younger toddlers can enjoy sticking paper scraps to contact paper. Older children can take more independent roles in the project, doing the cutting or even tearing tissue paper. I used my portable laminating machine to protect my final project, though you can also use more contact paper to finish off the project, leaving a large enough border to seam it together.
This is a versatile project, too. We did Chanukah themed "Stained Glass" Sun-catchers in with my preschool class this past year, and you could choose any shape you'd like. I've even seen entire windows done with this method using several smaller shapes or even large rectangular portions of contact paper without a frame. I have also used clear contact paper right on a classroom easel in a toddler class with small containers full of various paper scraps (tissue, wrapping paper, construction paper, magazine cutouts) for sticking on--a great way to encourage use of both fine motor and gross motor skills in the wee ones. Now you finally have a use for the tissue paper you insisted on saving from various gifts received over the years!
So, just a quick recap...

You will need:

clear contact paper
scraps of colored tissue paper, cut or torn into small pieces
colored construction paper for border/frame

This project is generally age appropriate (with proper supervision) for children from 18 months and up and can be adapted for older children as well.

And now I want to ask you: Teachers, Caregivers, and Mommas/Daddies, what are your favorite cost-effective, rainy-day fun activities to do with kids?

Homemade Stove-top Granola Recipe

2011-02-06T20:51:00.000-08:00

I don't usually post twice in one day, but I had to share this recipe for Homemade Maple Vanilla Stovetop Granola, adapted from this recipe at allrecipes.com. I've spent the last several weeks being indecisive about what kind of granola to purchase. I love granola on top of yogurt for breakfast in the morning (or even an afternoon snack), but I have to be careful when I buy it that it is gluten free and does not contain wheat products. My options are rather slim and really pricey. I recently finished one I particularly liked that I purchased from the bulk bins at a local health food store--but, it was expensive and I wondered if I could possibly make my own.
And I can! And so can you!

Maple Vanilla Stove-top Granola

Ingredients:
1 tbsp olive oil
2 cups rolled oats (NOT instant)
1/3 cup butter
1 tbsp honey
1 tbsp maple syrup
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract

Heat the olive oil over medium-high heat in a large skillet. Add the rolled oats and cook, stirring, until toasted and lightly browned. This should take about 5 minutes.
Pour the toasted oats onto a cookie sheet. Meanwhile, in the same pan, melt the butter and stir in the honey, maple syrup, brown sugar and vanilla. Cook and stir until bubbly then add the toasted oats back to the pan. Stir to coat and continue cooking and stirring for about another 5 minutes. Pour back onto the cookie sheet to cool.
When cool, put the granola in an airtight container to store. If you would like, you could mix in nuts or dried fruits at this point.

Now I will enjoy a crunchy granola atop my yogurt tomorrow morning made just the way I like it. I know for sure it doesn't have any gluten or wheat in it and it was a fraction of the price to make at home that it would be to purchase at a store.

Sunday's Solitude

2011-02-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

Last night, before going to bed, I made a To-Do List. I make such lists on occasion, but this one was slightly different. I separated it into 2 sections: For my Home and For ME. Under the For my Home section, I listed the chores that needed to get done around the house--dishes, laundry, cleaning projects, tidying up. Under the For ME section, I included activities I wanted to do that bring me peace and joy. And, perhaps the most important part of the To-Do List was the part at the very bottom, which read:
Forgive myself for not getting everything on this list accomplished!
Since my diagnosis of sleep apnea, I have been prescribed and set up with a C-PAP machine at home to keep my airways from collapsing while I am asleep. I was expecting that it would be a long, difficult process of getting used to this addition to my usual pajamas, but the first night was incredible. I fell asleep within half an hour of putting the mask on and starting the air flow and when I woke up at 4AM, I'd already been sleeping for six hours straight! I went back to sleep and slept through until my alarm went off (I've only done that twice that I can remember over the last year) AND I was actually dreaming! I was overcome with excitement and optimism--and this made the next few nights, which did not go as well, incredibly hard to accept. The novelty of finally knowing what has been affecting my health over the past several years had worn off and been replaced by the realization that I will deal with this for the rest of my life.
I spent Shabbat surrounded by friends. That island of intentional pause in time seemed, as always, to press a "reset" button in my mind and spirit. This was precisely the mindset that led me toward revamping my usual style in planning the rest of my weekend.
It was with that same mindset that I awoke this morning with a strong desire to stay at home and indulge in a little bit of hibernation. I did not feel like going out, I did not feel like spending much time online or talking with others. I was not entirely sure what I would do, but entirely sure that I wanted some personal ME time and solitude. My natural rhythm was slow and steady and I moved with that rather than against it. Some of those items on my To-Do List did get accomplished. Dishes were washed, laundry was done, trash collected and taken out. I tidied up my kitchen drawers and shelves, baked a batch of gluten free cornbread and a pot of miso soup with vegetables and some homemade granola.

I did pin my list below the kitchen window this morning, but I'm not too concerned with crossing off accomplishments tonight. It is more important that I can see the most vital item on that list: Forgive myself for not getting everything on this list accomplished!

In fact, I can also forgive myself for the many tasks--menial or significant--that went unaccomplished over the years when I lacked the necessary energy and well-being. When Sunday's Solitude tugs at my heels and lures me to move just a little bit slower for once, I can open my heart to the serenity that is possible and draw inward with compassion.

Welcome February: Rise & Shine

2011-02-03T08:16:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe February is already here. Here in Spokane, the ground is frozen and temperatures downright frigid. Across the country, snow is piling high and deep. It is around this time that stores start to stock up on all things Spring, and yet with one step outside I am still very much in the Winter mindset. However, this time of year also brings about the Jewish holiday of Tu B'Shevat (which fell on January 19th this year). This is a holiday that celebrates the new year of trees--the original Earth Day, so to speak. It marks the reemergence of life after winter dormancy in the early-blooming trees in Israel.
Why do we begin to think about Spring when the ground is still frozen in winter slumber? Additionally, it is easy this time of year to crave that same sense of stillness and hibernation--especially when the sun is not even up yet in the early mornings! It is especially in these times that the old phrase "Rise and Shine" becomes more vital to my day than ever. That is why my focus in Yoga practice for this month is not one pose, but a series of poses known as the Sun Salutation. Morning practice and morning rituals in general can have a major effect on how your day evolves. Read this article by the folks over at Yoga Journal to learn more about this series of eight postures that, put together, invigorate and warm the body and mind.
I am off to tend to my own morning rituals as I welcome the gift of this new day. What are some of your morning traditions?

And The Winner Is...

2011-02-01T23:06:00.000-08:00

The winner of the the very first Blah Blah Blahg Giveaway is Jaspenelle, a good friend of mine as well as momma of 2, fellow crafter, homesteader, gardener, culinary wizard, and blog author of Paganites. Congratulations, Jaspenelle, and thank you for reading and commenting! I look forward to having the opportunity to pass on my copy of Jenna Woginrich's book, Made From Scratch: Discovering The Pleasures of a Handmade Life.
If you have an interest in homesteading, living a simpler life, and/or candid discussion of the trials and triumphs of raising angora rabbits, you can still check out this book from your local library, or purchase a new or used copy here. If you live in/near Spokane, WA, I've seen it on sale at Sun People Dry Goods Co. (where I purchased my copy) and more recently at Atticus Coffee & Gifts. You can also learn more by checking out the author's own blog, Cold Antler Farm.

The Gift of the Unexpected

2011-01-28T15:10:00.001-08:00

I have withheld discussing in detail the health issues I've been facing over the last year or so on public forums (and even in many more personal settings, too, for that matter). However, after 6 months of visits to doctors and a surprising, unexpected, yet relieving turn of events, I am ready to share some of what my experience has been.

Over the last several months, I've undergone several medical tests to identify and diagnose the cause of a possible movement disorder. I started having jerking movements mostly in my legs probably about 3 or 4 years ago. At that time, it happened mostly at night while falling asleep and according to others, while I was sleeping. It didn't seem to cause much of an issue for me at that time. I thought I could attribute it to my Fibromyalgia (diagnosed 12 years ago), side effects from medications I was currently on, or that perhaps it was just "normal." Within the last year, these involuntary movements occurred more frequently until they were happening daily and during wakeful periods. My right leg and thigh are seemingly affected the most, though it occurs also in my other leg and in my wrists and fingers on both hands. My pain levels increased (which I attributed again to Fibromyalgia and the constant tics and twitching), my balance and gait began to suffer, and I experienced chronic numbness and tingling in my hands, arms, and sometimes face. Test after test came back normal, and this was in many ways reassuring. There was nothing structural causing my symptoms and therefore it was possible that with treatment my symptoms could improve. After months of working with my PCP, a neurologist here in Spokane, and consulting also with a neurologist in Boston, I had it "narrowed down to 2 categories." It was "similar to but atypical of" a tic disorder and Restless Legs Syndrome. My neurologist scheduled one final test to be done--a polysomnogram, also called a sleep study. If the movements occurred also during sleep, it would be a clearer diagnosis and classified as Periodic Limb Movement Disorder. Typically that also only occurs during sleep, but can be very disruptive. I'd been experiencing extreme fatigue and even had blood tests to check for Mono, iron deficiency/anemia, inadequate B-vitamin levels, Diabetes, etc., and all that came up was an abnormally low level of Vitamin D. If the polysomnogram showed evidence of movements during sleep, I would start on a low dose of Mirapex, a drug used in large doses to treat Parkinson's Disease and in lower doses for PLMD and RLS. I was discouraged by the thought of having to medicate at all as I had spent over a year decreasing, detoxing from, and eliminating the cocktail of pharmaceuticals I'd been prescribed as a teenager to treat a mood disorder that was later identified as an inaccurate diagnoses to begin with. I was still angry and frustrated with the effects of these drugs and now was faced with the choice to continue as things were or to medicate yet again and potentially for the long term. At the same time, I had reached a point of desperation. I was willing to try pretty much anything, which somehow felt like defeat in and of itself. I was feeling exhausted, unable to do things that once were easy and enjoyable, and much of the time, I was feeling as though I were at the mercy of these limitations. I do feel like I've stayed pretty positive and optimistic most of the time, at least outwardly. I found silver linings when I could, and when I couldn't, I tried to keep that to myself.

I met with the sleep physician for a consult on Tuesday afternoon. He talked to me a bit about my symptoms and what my neurologist had discussed with him. Most people who come in for sleep studies have concerns about sleep apnea, but he explained that it was very uncommon in females in their mid 20s. (I found out today he hadn't actually planned to go through with the test, but did and was glad for doing so.)
He checked my throat anyway and everything looked fine. I was set up to come in at 7:30 on Wednesday evening when I would be hooked up to several electrodes and straps to measure brain activity, breathing, eye movement, muscle movements, etc. I arrived a bit early, got hooked up and was ready to go to sleep by 8:30. The setting was new and the additional "accessories" a little uncomfortable, but I fell asleep by 10. At 1:30AM, the door opened and the technician came in. "Well, this isn't what we expected, but you actually do have sleep apnea. We're going to put a CPAP mask on you."
And I cried. Like a baby. My nose ran inside the mask which I needed help to remove; it was disgusting. Why? I had made it on my own to all of these appointments, through all the tests, all the potential diagnoses and prognoses, and never broke down (at least not IN the office). All I could say was "these are for fat, old men." In my mind, I imagined that Mr. Sleepytech here would be the last man to EVER enter my bedroom so long as I was hooked up to a Darth Vader mask. At 1:30AM, the unexpected is often hard to swallow. Additionally, I was judging myself based on preconceived notions of who gets sleep apnea.
I am not the only one with these preconceived notions either. In the days that followed, I have researched many online forums for sleep apnea patients and folks who use CPAP masks. While many of them are young like me and not obese or male, there were many non-patients who posted comments similar to this one, which I have copied and pasted from a blog/online forum for sleep apnea patients:

"So the bottom line is, lose weight. Our population is so obese that we are literally suffocating our fat selves to death. Stop eating so much. Do you think they are wearing CPAP machines to force air into their fat chests in Nigeria? How much is all of this costing the nation? Now kids are on CPAP. Sad."

But here is the truth: while losing weight can help some sleep apnea patients, it is not necessarily a cause of sleep apnea. Additionally, because the body perceives these apneas (not breathing) as a threat/stress, it holds onto fat and slows the metabolism. Many (but not all) sleep apnea patients are overweight because they are unable to lose it regardless of diet or exercise.
What I also learned is that not all sleep apnea patients have a snoring problem. On a scale of 1-10, my "snoring level" was at a 1--very low. Additionally, apneas (cessation of breathing) and hypopnias (shallow breathing) are measured on a scale of number per hour of sleep. Between 0 and 5 apneas per hour are considered "normal." Anything above that meets the diagnostic criteria for sleep apnea.
I filled out a survey in the morning after the test in which I was asked how many hours of sleep I thought I'd had. I answered a total of 6 or 7. Before the CPAP was installed, I thought I'd slept about 4 hours. I had in fact only slept a total of 2 hours and 27 minutes and in that time had an average of 30.4 apneas per hour. That is diagnostic criteria for severe sleep apnea.

So back to my snotty, soggy, pity party. Here I was, all choked up (pun TOTALLY intended) because in my exhausted and poorly oxygenated brain, I was blaming myself. Truthfully, I'd blamed myself for poor health throughout this whole process. My "logic" was that:

I am young and should be able to control my health and body. If these functions are out of control, there is something I am doing or not doing to contribute to that.

This unhelpful self-talk was not made any better by the early experiences I had with doctors as a teen and young adult. Once I was diagnosed in my teens with a mood disorder, it was hard to feel heard any time I did have a physical concern. Even my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia was a long time in coming by because doctor after doctor told me: "you're just depressed," or "just anxious." The problem with language like that is that not only does it lead to the patient feeling completely incompetent and unaware of anything going on in her own body, but it devalues the actual depression and anxiety that can and does occur when we are physically ill. I saw my physician in Couer d'Alene, Idaho back in 2007 or so because I constantly felt short of breath and had chest pains. Inhalers were not helping at all. He told me: "It's probably just anxiety. You should work on that." When I told him that I don't feel anxious during the time of my symptoms he responded: "Well, it could be something more serious, but you don't want to worry about that, do you?"

No, I don't.

So, I will wear a CPAP mask to sleep every night, all night, for the rest of my life. Without it, my apneas will immediately return. It may not be the most attractive aspect of my pajamas, but it sure beats the alternatives. When you are not getting oxygen to the brain, neurological symptoms can result (i.e. Periodic Limb Movement Disorder--and this was occurring during sleep concurrently with every apnea). As you become overloaded with toxic carbon dioxide, risks of stroke and heart disease increase. People with sleep apnea deal with chronic fatigue because every time they do have an apnea, they are jolted from a deep state of sleep to a light state of sleep if not completely woken altogether. Headaches, especially in the morning and at night are common. (Maybe I won't even need those overpriced migraine pills anymore!) Other common signs and symptoms of sleep apnea include waking up with feelings of shortness of breath and chest pain, sleep sweats, having to urinate frequently at night, waking with a racing heartbeat, and chronic sinus infections. Many patients who have sleep apnea also have chronic nightmares, sleep terrors and sleep starts (all of which I've dealt with from childhood). Mood disorders, depression, and personality changes can also occur due to lack of sleep as can accident proneness. It is no surprise with all of this that people who have sleep apnea have difficulties with job performance, academic performance, and within their relationships.

Now, for the first time in a long time, I can sit back and breathe--literally! I can let go of the negative notions of fault being involved in my state of un-wellness. I can forgive the "professionals" who, years ago, treated me with heavy doses of medication and even heavier doses of disregard and dehumanization. It is not my fault and further more, had I not pushed through the fear of self-advocating and finally finding doctors I feel comfortable working with, I would continue to (not) sleep every night away, slowly--or potentially more quickly--risking my health and life.

The Gift of the Unexpected may come in an ugly package (really, that CPAP looks like a plastic elephant trunk!), but nothing is more beautiful than peace of mind and finally becoming well.

Additionally, looks aren't everything. That being said, I am totally knitting up some CPAP tube cozies with my Knifty Knitter. After all, if my CPAP did not coordinate with my bedroom decor, I'd be completely unable to sleep at night!