Last night, before going to bed, I made a To-Do List. I make such lists on occasion, but this one was slightly different. I separated it into 2 sections: For my Home and For ME. Under the For my Home section, I listed the chores that needed to get done around the house--dishes, laundry, cleaning projects, tidying up. Under the For ME section, I included activities I wanted to do that bring me peace and joy. And, perhaps the most important part of the To-Do List was the part at the very bottom, which read:
Forgive myself for not getting everything on this list accomplished!
Since my diagnosis of sleep apnea, I have been prescribed and set up with a C-PAP machine at home to keep my airways from collapsing while I am asleep. I was expecting that it would be a long, difficult process of getting used to this addition to my usual pajamas, but the first night was incredible. I fell asleep within half an hour of putting the mask on and starting the air flow and when I woke up at 4AM, I'd already been sleeping for six hours straight! I went back to sleep and slept through until my alarm went off (I've only done that twice that I can remember over the last year) AND I was actually dreaming! I was overcome with excitement and optimism--and this made the next few nights, which did not go as well, incredibly hard to accept. The novelty of finally knowing what has been affecting my health over the past several years had worn off and been replaced by the realization that I will deal with this for the rest of my life.
I spent Shabbat surrounded by friends. That island of intentional pause in time seemed, as always, to press a "reset" button in my mind and spirit. This was precisely the mindset that led me toward revamping my usual style in planning the rest of my weekend.
It was with that same mindset that I awoke this morning with a strong desire to stay at home and indulge in a little bit of hibernation. I did not feel like going out, I did not feel like spending much time online or talking with others. I was not entirely sure what I would do, but entirely sure that I wanted some personal ME time and solitude. My natural rhythm was slow and steady and I moved with that rather than against it. Some of those items on my To-Do List did get accomplished. Dishes were washed, laundry was done, trash collected and taken out. I tidied up my kitchen drawers and shelves, baked a batch of gluten free cornbread and a pot of miso soup with vegetables and some homemade granola.
I did pin my list below the kitchen window this morning, but I'm not too concerned with crossing off accomplishments tonight. It is more important that I can see the most vital item on that list: Forgive myself for not getting everything on this list accomplished!
In fact, I can also forgive myself for the many tasks--menial or significant--that went unaccomplished over the years when I lacked the necessary energy and well-being. When Sunday's Solitude tugs at my heels and lures me to move just a little bit slower for once, I can open my heart to the serenity that is possible and draw inward with compassion.
