In Perpetual Pursuit: A Journey Toward Oneness & Wellness

It's officially 2013, and in keeping with my tradition, I am not making any New Year's Resolutions. In each day and in every moment, I strive to do what I love and love what I do. Today that looked like three miles of quality time spent on the treadmill. Running again is still so amazing to me. As I pick up speed and distance, I am reminded of the blessings I am continuously bestowed. I spent years fervently pursuing control over my health and body. All the while, time was chasing closely after me, with the inevitability of disaster nibbling at my heels. With G-d's help, the life I live today is not at all the one I foresaw as possible even three years ago; every moment has surpassed even my loftiest dreams from those days. As I run, I find myself meditating on the words: "Oneness" and "Wellness." They are indicative of all that I joyfully pursue at this point. I am humbled by the oneness and omnipotence of a compassionate G-d Who has enveloped me and carried me every step of this journey. I am grateful to be living a life of health and wellness that, please G-d, will continue as I continue to work toward it. And with that said, it's time to be honest.

Those who know me closely or who have followed this blog over the past years are likely familiar with my journey toward wellness. Many are familiar with the misdiagnoses I received and know that I spent years living with the affects of a yet-to-be-diagnosed and untreated sleep disorder. It tailored how I saw my life options. It tailored how I saw my abilities. It tailored at times how I saw my personal worth. In January 2011 when I received my diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea, I felt utterly liberated. I was still in pain, still twitching, and still experiencing the full manifestation of my symptoms, but I carried my C-PAP machine home with the belief that it was my way out. As much time as I spent in full on rage against that machine--and let me tell you, at times, it really blows! (pun intended)--I believed with all my heart that it would work. That I could make it work. I affectionately referred to it as my Get Out of Jail Free Machine. And it did work; I'm free! But two years ago, when I was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea, I'd received another misdiagnosis.

So when I met with my new sleep physician here who had looked at the test results and showed them to me, his curiosity and concern were unmistakable. I'd received an OSA diagnosis and had plenty of apneas during my original polysomnogram; but the vast majority of them were not obstructive in nature. Rather, they were central apneas. In other words, there wasn't some aspect of my throat or airways that was being blocked or collapsing; my brain was not signalling the normally involuntary trigger to breathe. I did have a second sleep study in which I was allowed to use a C-PAP machine and my own mask but the pressure was reduced in the hopes of inducing symptoms. This doctor wanted to see once and for all what was happening and if it was being effectively treated.

The beginning of the night was rough to say the least. The pressure was much lower than what I'm used to. I couldn't stay asleep; I couldn't stay awake. I was hooked up head to toe to electrodes and wires. I was moving around so much some of the equipment broke and had to be replaced in the middle of the night. The technician came in to do this and asked me "Why are you having trouble sleeping?" I was so frustrated. How should I know?! Wasn't she the one with the bird's eye view on this?? Actually, she did know why--45 minutes after falling asleep I'd already had my first full on central apnea. At that point, the process of not initiating respiration occurred repeatedly at a duration that is longer than even typical with most mixed/complex or central apnea cases. My blood oxygen levels got lower and lower until I started twitching to wake up. The only aspect of that I was aware of was the part where I woke up with a racing heartbeat, drenched in sweat, tangled in wires and utterly exhausted.

I got out of bed at that point, took a breath, remembered how comforted I'd felt as I went to sleep knowing that friends near and far were saying Tehillim (Psalms) on my behalf. Meanwhile, the technician manually raised the pressure on my machine back to what I use at home. At that point, I went back to sleep and slept--while breathing, cycling normally through all four stages of sleep--for the rest of the night. I met with the doctor at the end of last month. He looked at the results; he showed them to me. He expressed his level of astonishment that the C-PAP was working at all let alone that it was completely treating my symptoms both on a clinical and physiological level. Yes, central apnea is rare; yes, central apnea without an underlying cause is rarer. But in that moment as in many moments over the last few years, I decided, once again, to let go. What difference does it make if the part of my body not functioning at sleep is in my throat or in my brain? We don't always have to know why something happens or how it works; it's not our responsibility and it's not our burden. The level of humble gratitude I felt in that moment is indescribable. Everything is from G-d. Had I known two years ago that there was even a chance let alone likelihood that C-PAP therapy might not work for me, I'd never have pushed through the discomfort and frustration of finding a set-up that--for whatever reason--actually keeps me breathing and sleeping through the night.

I've said it before and I can say it again: the best gifts in life come in some unique packages. Running away from everything is exhausting and living timidly is death. Running in pursuit of my own holiness and healthfulness feels comparatively effortless. Experiencing this world's abundance in every form--the good, the bad, the ugly and indifferent--that is life. I choose, with G-d's help, to live abundantly.