Sleep: it is a topic near and dear to my heart--and for better or for worse, it's often close to my mind as well. It is just a couple of months shy of my Two Year Wellniversary. My battle with sleep apnea is one that for the most part, I've kept somewhat private. I have used this forum as a means to educate, advocate, and at times process, but there is much more that goes on 'behind the scenes' so to speak.
Additionally, it is not a struggle, thank G-d, I've had to fight alone. As much as I have let them, my family, friends, and medical team have not only been behind me in this battle but very much fought alongside me. And on the front-lines, ever ready to guide me, when necessary, to wage war and also, when necessary, to surrender, is the loving hand of G-d Himself.
In a recent conversation with a friend, I shared how the experience of being so sick in and of itself was something that heightened my awareness of how close I truly am (and already was) to G-d. Throughout the worst of the neurological symptoms and in times of great uncertainty - when even the most menial tasks were a challenge, I didn't have the energy for anything other than to want. To want more. To want health. And to want to live. And once all of the extraneous layers of "me" were peeled away, all that was left was the very core essence of who I am: a person of great passion, fervent love and true kindness. What a gift, albeit in unusual wrapping paper, to be able to see that.
And yet, with all my gratitude, all my humility and all of my experience, I had an appointment with my new sleep doctor last week that totally threw me for a loop. I am an expert on my story. Sharing it has earned me opportunities and won me awards. I like to think that, G-d willing, sharing my experience has helped at least one person half as much as experiencing and retelling it has helped me. However, after I finished that part of the appointment, the part I am "good at," the part I am "bad at" happened. The doctor said "sit down, and make yourself comfortable." He opened up my charts and began to read the results of the polysomnogram (sleep study) I had about two years ago. There was nothing inherently bad or good or even indifferent about it--just things I hadn't known, things I had preconceived notions about, things that two years ago would have stopped me in my unbalanced, twitching, pain-riddled tracks.
Thank G-d I didn't know! Thank G-d I had almost two years to get so strong and so healthy that I actually don't have to think about sleep all day and night anymore. Instead of living in irrational fear of what could be lurking behind my sleep apnea, I had the limited information I needed to pursue health and recovery. Now, with the additional information that I have and the information that will come in the following weeks and possibly through a second polysomnogram, I can continue on this truly blessed path toward recovery and wellness.
But alas, I have to be honest. This all looks very graceful and put together in typeface and what really happened is this: I did not receive this news like a mentsch, I received it rather like a silly, stubborn, donkey. I argued with my doctor. I cowered in fear and spent a little time feeling sorry for myself. I had a teeny-tiny-temper-tantrum. And when I was done, and I'd thought and prayed about it, I remembered the first thing I say and truly feel each and every morning upon arising:
Modah* Ani Lifonecha Melech Chai V'kayam Sheh'hechezarta Be Nishmasi B'Chemla Rabah Emunasecha!
*Males would say Modeh rather than Modah
...which means...
"I offer thanks to You, living and eternal King, for You have mercifully restored my soul within me; Your faithfulness is great."
I remembered that first morning after bringing home my C-PAP machine. I woke up after 4 hours of straight, restful, albeit assisted sleep. Tears flowed freely onto my pillow but not because I'd had a sleep riddled with nightmares, night terrors and uncontrollable limb movements . Rather they flowed because every morning up until this one I had only spoken those words by rote. On this morning, for the very first time I had not even opened my lips to speak yet and already I could hear them as if in a dream. It was so beautiful, so melodic, and who knows--maybe I was dreaming. But on that morning, for the first time, I awoke in genuine gratitude. And when I did open my lips to speak those words, for the first time, I said them with kavannah (intent, concentration, focus).
That feeling has without fail returned each and every morning since and again each night as I pray before bed. It was there when I'd been up all night raging against the machine! It was there when mornings still found my body tired, sore and moving uncontrollably. And it is there today, when I awake feeling rested, energized and blissfully still. Furthermore, the only thing that any test result or any diagnostic label can really truly define or measure is just how blessed and lucky I am that each and every morning, G-d has mercifully and faithfully restored my soul within me.
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