I bought my tassel, stole, cap, and gown today. My commencement ceremony is just two months (minus one day, not that I'm counting) away! Up until fairly recently, I'd not even planned to walk at my graduation. I didn't think the whole ceremonial aspect of it would mean anything to me and additionally, the event is on a Saturday, coinciding with Shabbat. However, as the end to my Eight Year College Extravaganza (as I affectionately call it) became visible in the horizon, I realized this is important to me and I want to honor the occasion. I am (with the help of my university's staff) making some simple accommodations in order to keep the laws of the Sabbath while still participating in the ceremony.
Today as I walked through the university bookstore to purchase my gear, I found myself getting all ferklempt (Yiddish: too emotional to talk, ready to cry). I began taking college courses at a community college in northern Idaho in 2004 with no real career goals and no real belief my ability to obtain a degree or maintain a career for that matter. Much of that mindset was due to the low expectations that were set for me by "professionals" along the way. Whether or not they were well meaning in their approach is now beside the point. Everything that has happened in my life, particularly in the last 8 years, has happened just in the way it was meant to and has shaped the person I am continuing to become today.
I also recalled today a catchphrase frequently voiced by some counselors I worked with when I first moved out to the inland northwest.
"The degree to which you feel your sorrow is the degree to which you feel your joy."
I do not want to insinuate that this is a "bad" or "wrong" concept. I do, however, recognize that in living by that philosophy, I grew to temper all of my joy with an often debilitating fear of perceived pending sorrow. In my first year at the university I wrote a paper for my Intro to Social Work course about my firm belief in this motto. I received a good grade, but my professor asked to set up a meeting with me at my nearest convenience. In that meeting, she challenged the statement and my loyalty to it. She offered me the possibility that those joys could be celebrated wholly and completely and that the sorrows need not necessarily sink so low. Outwardly, I took her comments into consideration; inwardly, I continued to live my life trying to curb my successes in order that any potential falls would be equally cushioned. In fact, I often found that I seemed almost to brace myself in moments of joy as if somehow not feeling complete elation could prevent me from feeling anything other than happiness in the future.
Today, however, I am two months away from wearing this cap, gown, tassel and stole. I am two months away from completing my degree and pursuing a world full of dreams that once seemed ten sizes too big. I have overcome misdiagnosis and surpassed the devastating symptoms of undiagnosed sleep apnea. I am strong physically, mentally and spiritually. Today, I am celebrating and feeling my joy wholly and completely. I am grateful to G-d. I am grateful to my family and to my friends. I am grateful to those who mentored me, supported me, inspired me and continue to do so. I also recognize my own hard work and perseverance. Any part of that equation missing could have led to a different result. And above all, I have a new motto:
I am fearlessly joyful!
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