Chesed: From the Inside Out and the Outside In

Chesed is the Hebrew word for loving-kindness, or benevolence. It is a concept that has been on my mind lately. In the Jewish faith, we are commanded to give 10% of our money toward tzedakah (charity). We do not do this, however, because giving charity is a "nice" thing to do, or even because it is the "right" thing to do. The idea behind it is that this money does not belong to us in the first place, that our ability to acquire it is from G-d, and that it already belongs to those less fortunate. In addition, there is a Jewish concept that we are to love our fellow as our self--the "Golden Rule" in essence.
I have to admit, there are times that chesed does not come easily to me. Somebody cuts in front of me in line at the store. I'm waiting in the rain at a crosswalk as I watch car after car pass right through and fail to stop. Such people are not showing kindness or benevolence, why should I? And after I have justified my negative thoughts on that, I go deeper. I have thus and such a struggle in my life right now (fill in the blank); I don't deserve this, in fact it is my right to feel disappointed, angry, even bitter. By this time, I am not feeling particularly benevolent or kind.
This Shabbos in my rabbi's weekly newsletter, he wrote about self-pity. He explained that feeling sorry for oneself is a natural response but not always the most effective one. In fact, feeling self-pity, though justified, may impede personal growth and reaching a solution to a problem.
My 26th birthday is one week from today, and I have my first wrinkle. It's not a smile line or even a laugh line. It is a deepening crevice between my eyebrows from sporting a frown. I would like to blame it on the fact that I am often squinting because I am not often wearing my glasses. However, I notice it most in times when I also notice I have been sporting a frown--just because some person pushed ahead of me on the escalator nearly knocking me over or another person blocked an entire aisle at the grocery store with their cart and failed to notice my subtle hints at needing to get by. So, as I contemplate whether 10% of my earnings should now go toward anti-wrinkle cream for the charity case that is my aging face, I decide instead to focus on creating a few more smile lines and laugh lines. I'll give that stranger the benefit of the doubt--what is going on in their day that may have led them to act inconsiderately? Wouldn't I want that same benefit of the doubt given to me? And when it comes to the pity-party, I refer to a passage in an article I recently read about the late Elizabeth Edwards.

"This woman had so many reasons to be angry, to be bitter and to spend her time feeling sorry for herself and her misfortunes," wrote author Sara Esther Crispe. "Elizabeth Edwards did not have an easy life. But she had a meaningful one."

Acting with chesed is not always the easier path. Sometimes we are tired, or sick, or just run down. We feel drained and empty, and how can we be generous when we have nothing to give? But sometimes, a smile is all we need to give in order to reboot our perspective. At the end of the day, our lives may not be easy, but we must ask ourselves, have we had a meaningful and positive effect on those around us? Chesed flows in both directions, after all. It flows from the inside out, but it is not until we allow an openness in ourselves that it can also flow from the outside in.

That being said, I am off to make some phone calls to family and friends I have neglected, to spread a few smiles around town and visit with the daughter of some friends, and to moisturize my face.