And the L-rd said to Abram, 'Go forth from your land and from your birthplace and from your father's house, to the land that I will show you...'
Parshas Lech Lecha, Bereishis 12:1
Last week's parsha, Lech Lecha is my favorite of all the parshios. To me, the story of Avraham Avinu is one of wholehearted faith in G-d, unwavering courage, and complete surrender and release. It so happens that last year during the week this parsha is read, my grandfather passed away. I was living out west, 3000 miles away from most of my family members as they gathered to grieve our loss and celebrate Grandpa's extraordinary life. This year, I spent this past Shabbos with my grandmother. I heard Parshas Lech Lecha read in the very shul my grandfather attended for over 50 years. Today, my family gathered at the cemetery for the unveiling of my grandfather's tombstone. This unique ritual marks a passage from the year long period of mourning (shloshim) back into the full swing of life, now without the physical presence of our dearly departed, but, G-d willing with the comfort of beautiful memories and honorable legacies.
It was over nine years ago that I went forth from the land of my birthplace, my parents and all familiarity and boarded a plane out west. I know now in my heart and the depths of my soul that this was absolutely the path for me to take. For all intensive purposes, I discovered peace, wellness and found my way to Torah-observant Judaism all while living in the middle of nowhere. This would not have happened were it not for the divine guidance and compassion of G-d. It would be impossible without the timeless wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe and the tireless efforts of the shlichim (emissaries) who lovingly carry out the Rebbe's mission on every corner of this earth--even Middle of Nowhere, USA. It also would not have happened without the inspiration and support of my grandparents.
I have been cautious to write about my experience as a ba'al teshuva, and, to be honest, until quite recently, I was hesitant to even use the term ba'al teshuva to describe my (continuing) journey toward Orthodox Judaism as I didn't feel I was learned enough or ready to earn that title. I am cautious as I wish to be very sensitive to and respectful of both of my parents, who may not be Orthodox themselves but laid an invaluable foundation for me as a Jewish child and support me now as a practicing Orthodox Jewish adult. I wish to be sensitive and respectful to all members of my family, friends and even strangers regardless of observance or affiliation. I also am cautious to insinuate that my journey is by any means over or complete; I've much to learn and pray that I continue to do so with strength, fervor and curiosity. However, all caution aside, yesterday as I laid a stone upon my late grandfather's grave and, for the first time in perhaps a decade, cried in the arms of my loving family, I keenly felt the importance of expressing and articulating the things that matter most to us. I pray that my Grandpa is pleased today to see me where I am. I pray that he forgives me for anything I may have done, knowingly or unknowingly to hurt or disappoint him. And foremost, I pray that he continue to guide me; that although I cannot call upon him for his wise (sometimes unsolicited!) advice, that I can touch upon the truth I know in my heart because one heart truly feels another.
Like Avraham, my grandfather had true emunah (faith) in G-d. Through pain, loss, tragedy and illness, he remained connected not only to Hashem, but to his fellow Jew. He was a man of great chesed (kindness) and generosity--not because these acts earned him honor or respect, but because they are the way of the Torah and because they are right. During the last weeks of his life in this physical realm, my grandfather was in a great deal of pain. However, he sat and suffered through High Holy Day services because it was important to him to ask for a bracha (blessing) for each of his children, grandchildren and his wife. I don't know if I ever expressed to him how much I admire and strive to emulate these wonderful qualities. I merely hope that through my humble acts of keeping Shabbos, keeping Kosher, and learning more and more to live a life of Torah observance, my grandfather should know and feel this to be true. May my grandfather's neshama have an aliyah and may his memory be blessed.
I was sitting with my grandmother early in the morning on Shabbos before we walked to shul. We were talking about my continuing journey toward observance. With love and wistfulness in her eyes, she expressed her hopes that she'd done enough to provide a positive Jewish foundation for her children and grandchildren. She herself grew up in a home that was kosher but her parents owned a grocery store and could not afford to lose the business they would receive over Shabbos. She did not become observant until she was almost forty. I told her how much it meant to me to see her and my grandfather live a Torah observant life--that even long before I could understand why, I felt drawn to and inspired by the beauty, simplicity and integrity of Yiddishkeit. She shared with me a little story that may seem silly and cute at first, but holds such deep meaning.
With humility and hope, I confidently call myself a ba'al teshuva today. Though it literally translates to "master of repentence," the term refers today to one who returns to traditional observant Judaism. I once saw this path as one I would travel alone, laden with obstacles I was not sure I could overcome and cargo I was not sure I could continue to carry. Thank G-d, today I see it much differently. I am not alone. I am accompanied on this path by so many others--Jews of all ages and all backgrounds choosing the same road I have. There are so many other Shabbos-keeping, modestly-dressed, kosher-eating 20-something-year-olds out there who see the inherent value and reward in living a Torah-observant life. There are so many amazing rabbis, scholars, and fellow Jews to lovingly educate and support me along my way. Foremost, G-d is with me. He is behind me, He is beside me, and when the path becomes too tiresome or too treacherous, I believe with full clarity that G-d carries me.
It is not simple to put this story into mere words. I see, however, the value in ba'alei teshuva being able to express and share this process. While I've thought about writing on this topic for quite some time, it was only in the past few weeks that--through reading the parshios--I saw clearly a way in which to organize my thoughts. My journey up until this point is somewhat a reflection of the first three parshios in the book of Bereishis (Genesis): Bereishis, Noach, and Lech Lecha. For the sake of organization, this shall be the first part in a multi-post series. In my writing, I hope that I may glean meaning and greater understanding of my journey thus far. I pray, please G-d, that this is also helpful to others and that wherever our paths may lead, that we all reach a place of inner peace and sanctity.
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