Leaving Mitzrayim: The Meaning Behind Cleaning

January 31, 2012: It's a grey & dreary commute this morning, and yet, from the thick of the clouds is a visible and glorious blue sky trying to break through. So, too, are we gifted the ability to in times of cloudiness see the inevitable clarity of blue skies to come. 

Pesach (Passover) will begin in just over a week from now. Many of us are busy scrupulously cleaning our homes, but what about some deeper cleansing? What about some more personal taking of inventory this time of year? There is a common frame of thought in Judaism that even though the Exodus from Mitzrayim  (Egypt) took place generations upon generations ago, we are still today a generation of people in exile. We are still slaves in a deep and personal sense, only the Mitzrayim we exist in is sadly self-created and self-perpetuated.

The Jewish people are no strangers to oppression. We are a people and a faith seemingly obsessed with Exodus. However, the Exodus which we commemorate on Pesach is unique. Once a year on Purim we talk about our freedom from Haman's evil schemes and once a year at Chanukah we commemorate our freedom from the genocidal rule of the Syrian-Greeks. Every single day we recall and mention the redemption of the Jewish people from Mitzrayim. From this it is clear: G-d is not just some omnipotent force no longer intervening in our every day lives. On the contrary, G-d not only created the world, He is vastly involved in our daily existence. What's more, if G-d is so powerful and so compassionate that He could redeem our ancestors from Egyptian bondage, how can He not also provide us with our every need? How could we still exist in a state of fear, doubt and worry?

And this is where my Pesach cleaning comes in. I am, B"H, traveling this year. There are some preparations to make in my apartment in New York and, of course, planning and logistics to iron out before I make a trip I am extremely excited to make, but for all intensive purposes, the most scrupulous preparations I am privileged to make are the more personal and individual type I spoke of above. This past Shabbos in really thinking about what exactly my personal Mitzrayim might be and what trajectory to take in order to free myself from it, I realized I, like so many others, am a slave to doubt. This is nothing new; it's been my Mitzrayim for all of my life. In many amazing feats of triumph, I have overcome it, and in just as many amazing pitfalls, it has overcome me.

Previously, the greatest antidote to worry for me has been a twofold approach:

1. Accepting with complete faith that I have everything I need.

And...

2. Asking myself, will this matter in 20 years? After which I ask myself, will this really matter in 20 minutes?

The convergence of this twofold path has been the ability, albeit, with struggle, to let go when necessary and let G-d. Many times like a child playing with a toy steering wheel in a car, we mistakenly believe we are in control when we are not. Additionally, we have this idea that not only do we drive the car, but we dictate the GPS system and how we get there. Also not so! Many times, we can set the location on that GPS, but it is up to G-d how we reach our destination. And this line of thought along with some amazing reading this past Shabbos is what brought me to a greater understanding of how I can continue, with G-d's help, to free myself from the bondage of worry and doubt.

In her fabulous book, G-d Winked: Tales & Lessons from my Spiritual Adventures, Sara Yoheved Rigler writes about her experience of being diagnosed with breast cancer. She explains the spiritual process she underwent to overcome her fear and sadness. She cites my classic go-to line "Everything I need, I have." But she adds to it a beautiful counterpart: "Everything I have, I need." Often when faced with strife, we ask why rather than focus on what or how. As soon as we overcome one challenge we become obsessed with overcoming the next--so much so that we can miss the beauty of the miracle. It brings to mind the classic song by the Rolling Stones: You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you might find, you get what you need.

Freedom for me is recognizing that everything I need is within and around me; all I need to do is reach out and grab it. If my hands are full because I'm clinging to what I think I need (or what I think I want), I have no room to hold the abundance of blessings before me. In so many ways, it is easy now to feel grateful for the struggles with my health that I overcome daily, with G-d's help. It is easy to feel gratitude for the continuing education I have through my work and through my growth in Yiddishkeit. It is easy to see the beauty in sharing my life and path with some very amazing and loving people. The harder parts are those in-between times. The times we are in waiting or the times in which the waters seem calm
It is easy to see the beauty and power of G-d in the aftermath of a storm. When the sun breaks through the clouds and the dew rests on each blade of windblown grass, it's easy to feel touched by the miracles of every day life. However, during the storm, we can feel as though the waters will overcome us, as though the sun will never shine. What's even worse is our propensity during times of sunny ease to only feel the pending doom of possible rain. Rather than existing in what was or what might be, how might our lives be different if we existed fully in the here and now, driven both by our wisdom from the past and our undying hope for the future?

My ticket out of Mitzrayim isn't a coupon redeemable everywhere to get exactly what I want when I want it. It is a coupon redeemable anywhere to see that I have what I need and I need what I have. It is the ability to approach things that feel scary with humor, compassion and kindness--even and especially toward myself. It is the realization and gratitude that all of the many blessings I have received came to me not when I asked specifically for what I wanted or felt I needed or deserved, but rather were bestowed quietly upon me when I let go and asked merely for the clarity to see what I already have. It is with that realization, which I am also grateful for, that I continue my journey on this path. I wish all a good week to come and a season filled with revealed blessings and only good news!